Saturday, April 25, 2015

Something is missing from my breakfast.

So, it's a lovely (albeit chilly) Saturday in April.  After sleeping in a little, dh and I start making breakfast together.  What's a better breakfast on a Saturday morning than french toast and sausage?  He's mixing up the "custard"  (I was corrected, it's not just egg once you add ingredients and mix...ok, ok,, so, he's mixing the custard (and making a mess, I might add) I'm getting the bread ready, heating the pan, getting the sausage out, etc, and I think, you know, I feel like something's missing.  Then I realize how much I desperately want kids there to do that with us.

I want a little toddler running in and grabbing our pant legs, or a 6 year old helping to crack eggs and making even more of a mess all over the counter.  I want that so desperately.  I've always wanted that and here and there I would think of those things, but because we're in the middle of this foster care process, I think about it all...of...the...time....  Every little thing I do, everywhere I go, I imagine having a kid or two with me, how it would be different (better and worse depending.  No 6 year old wants to run errands to go to the bank or grocery store, heck, I don't want to do that either.)  It's since starting this process that it's been made even more obvious to me that my life feels so empty without any little ones.  I feel like I'm getting so attached to these imaginary kids, it'll tear me apart if we're denied.  But how do I stop myself from imagining these things and preparing for it?

I believe I'm making myself and dh nuts during this process.  I question every little thing the agency worker says, does or doesn't say or doesn't do.  I don't question her directly, just in my own mind (and out loud to dh), why didn't she say anything about what we need to fix in the bedroom?  Why didn't she ask to see the back yard?  Is it because she already thinks they won't approve us so it doesn't matter?  Why did she suggest my office would be a good playroom?  Does she think we aren't giving the child enough space in the home?

I know I'm probably reading too much into these things, but it's how my mind works...welcome to the insanity that is my mind.  I'm the queen of "What-if".

Our classes start next week.  (The "classes" are really just her coming to us once a week or so and doing the training one-on-one.  I've heard others actually go to a classroom setting with other couples, but I think because the agency is small, they don't have enough couples to create actual classes.)  Anyway, next week is our first, I'm excited but constantly on edge that there will be some reason that she won't like us and there goes our chances.  It comes down to a decision by the board once all the paperwork, clearances, classes are done and really her thoughts hold a lot of weight in their decision, so if she just doesn't like us she could push their decision to deny us.  It's a very subjective thing.  It's not a simple, cut and dry test we take.  It really comes down to if they like us and think we'll be good parents.  No one likes to be rejected and this would be a serious rejection!  Normally, I don't care all that much about what other people think of me, but this is just so different.  She potentially holds our lives in her hands and that's super scary.

She also said she still hasn't sent in our clearances because she goes over our interviews with her supervisor first (which we just finished last week.)  I thought those were sent 2 weeks ago.  They pay for them (which is nice) but since I thought they were already sent, I thought they started "putting out money" on us therefore we were on the right track.  I mean, why would they waste the money if she didn't think we'd be approved.  Now knowing they haven't done that yet, makes me wonder if they just don't want to waste the money if they won't approve us.

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