Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day and conflicting emotions

DH and I have been "trying" for 13 years with no success.  Mother's Day has been pretty painful for me every year as a constant reminder of my desperate internal need to be a mother and my body's failure to successfully get pregnant.  I struggle every year with dealing with those emotions, but at the same time trying to enjoy and appreciate the time spent with my own mother, mother in law and grandmothers.

This year, like many others, I feel saddened because, yet again, I'm not pregnant and have no children, but I have the little bit of hope that things will change due to foster care and while I might not be the bio mom, I'll be another version of "mom" and while I hope to have the permanent "mom" position eventually, I'll cherish the temporary mom role while I have it.  But, again, I don't have it yet.  (And that stupid little niggling doubt in my head that we might not be approved is always there.)  This year I also have to deal with the recent loss of my grandmother, whom I was very close to and miss very much.

I do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day and I hope those who have pain around this holiday, for whatever reason, find peace in the day somehow.

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