When a punishment goes too far

There was a lot of very bad behavior this weekend by foster son at a family event.  In the course of one of the "episodes" there was a warning that he would lose a day of summer camp if it continued, it did.  I progressed to a week, then the whole summer.  At that point of the episode, he was too far gone to even be aware of consequences and I totally should have recognized that, but I didn't.  So I made the error of taking away all of summer camp.  Not an appropriate consequence, despite his episode.

So, now what do I do?  I don't want to give it back when it is a consequence, so I have to find a way of him getting it back but still following through on the punishment.  This is what we came up with....

He will lose 7 days of tablet time (his idea)
We chose 3 of his favorite toys and he had to pick one to "pack away" for now.
He has to write apology notes to each person that was involved in the episode.
Also has to accomplish the following chores:
Sweep (hardwood with a broom)
Vacuum carpets
Clean bathroom sink
Clean doorknobs and cabinet knobs
Pull weeds
Clean up dog poop

I told him when everything is completed properly, he may go back to camp.  He'll probably only miss one or two days at most, but that's ok.  I think this worked out ok.  I'd love to hear any comments or suggestions about it.

Kids and funerals

So, we've had a rough week. We lost my uncle and my grandfather within days of each other, so we had a funeral yesterday and today. We spoke to FS's therapist and caseworker in detail about their opinions on taking him to the funeral. After much discussion (with and without him) we decided to try it. Two funerals in two days does not a good time make, however it did turn out to be quite a learning experience and, oddly enough, entertaining. Ah...kids.... FS5 met my uncle one time and my grandfather numerous times. I wasn't sure how he'd react to the whole thing. His grandfather died last year so he understood (somewhat) about someone dying and not seeing them anymore (he didn't go to that funeral.)

He's very logically minded and likes to know how things work and asks "why" about EVERYTHING, so we expected lots of questions about this situation. We had multiple conversations over the past couple of weeks and I wanted to pass along what we came up with that seemed to work very well.

One night he was afraid of "ghosts". Now, not to get too involved in religious or belief discussion, basically, I don't want to dismiss his fears of the possibility of ghosts being around, but I think it was a stall tactic before going to bed. I told him ghosts aren't to be feared, they are just spirits of people who used to live and they come down to visit. He asked "Like Grandpa?" I said yes...now "Grandpa comes to visit" every once in a while according to him, but there hasn't been a fear of ghosts since then. So, he knows spirits are like ghosts and spirits go to heaven when people die.

Which leads me to his question of what happens to the body? We were pretty scientific and logical in this explanation. Simply, the spirit doesn't need the body anymore because it's in heaven now, so the body gets put in a safe place (mausoleum, cemetery, etc) while the spirit is always still "alive" in heaven. That being said, we explained that he may still see the body at the funeral and that's because some people still want to see them one last time. Also had to explain things that are appropriate or not appropriate to say about the body (scary, gross, cold, etc...lol). We told him he can ask us but whisper in our ears so not to upset anyone.

Next question, why or how do people die? Well, we were careful not to say they got sick or died in their sleep because we didn't want him to think if he gets a cold he'll die or afraid to go to sleep. We said they lived a long life (which obviously isn't always the case, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it) and did a lot of good things during their life and God told them they were done learning and working here and He said it was time for them to come to heaven and help there.

So, uncle's funeral was yesterday, we prepped him VERY well on appropriate behavior, being quiet, sitting still, no talking. We had a backpack full of quiet activities (stuffed animals, mazes, coloring, books, etc) and while I don't encourage and rarely let him play with phones/tablets, I was willing to pull it out if need be. I was amazed at his behavior! He was slightly restless, but listened and sat still. We didn't even pull out any toys (except in the car, long ride.) He jumped from one person's lap to another every 10-15 minutes, but did it with very little disturbance. He didn't seem the least bit bothered by the open casket and even said "Goodbye Uncle G" as we walked past. He did ask (quietly) to me why they cut off my uncle's legs. No, his legs were not cut off, apparently there wasn't the bulge in the blanket that he expected, so he thought they were cut off! LOL Oh my gosh..... He again behaved well at the cemetery and at the luncheon. I couldn't be prouder and made sure to tell him that and that he should be proud of himself.

That leads me to my grandfather's funeral today, we prepped him again about appropriate behavior, had backpack ready just in case he needed it today. We had a slight fight over what he was wearing, but that's nothing new. We had done most of the preparations for this funeral and were some of his closest family, so we were there from the beginning.

Almost right from the beginning he made pals with the funeral director and employees. I swear, you can't make this stuff up... He started with a tour of the place including the funeral director's office, closets, etc. In one "closet" area was a gurney. He asked what it was for and the funeral director looked at my husband with wide eyes, like "how do I answer this?", then almost right away FS said "Oh, that's probably for the bodies so you can move them easier." LOL Then her eyes got bigger. Well, he is a logical kid! Then he was helping pass out cards and hold open the doors as people were coming in. (We kept trying to pull him away, but he wanted no parts of that and the employees kept pulling him for new "jobs". lol) Suddenly I find him with a "name badge" and flag pin that "all employees wear"! What is happening here? He's such a little charmer...lol

Finally we had the service and he did wonderfully. Again, the funeral director actually came to him and said he's "still on the clock" and asked if he wanted to help dismiss people by aisles. Well, of course he did! lol At the end, he said bye to Poppy and even patted his shoulder on his own. Then, he obviously remembered about Uncle G's "missing feet" so he full out asked to see Poppy's feet! And the funeral director was just more than happy to show him! (After people had mostly left. Boy, this child had people very entertained, I must say.)

I was ready to book it out of there, I didn't want to see them close the casket, I just wanted to get to the car to get ready to follow to the cemetery, but of course the little guy had to see what was happening, so we stayed. (I could have left him with my husband, but I just turned away while it was being closed and carried out, I was ok and glad he wanted to learn....as odd of a thing as it was to learn, still it's good to learn new things.)

So, I'm thinking his "job" is done now...um nope. They asked him to help hand out roses for people to place on the casket. Then, he wanted to stay to watch the casket get lowered. I could not stay for that, I did take off and left him with hubby then. Ok, even odder still (yes, my family is full of oddness), my 11 year old niece and 5 year old FS stood side by side with my niece's arm around FS watching the casket get lowered and my mom asked my husband to take a picture. Honestly, it was a sweet picture, but geez....who takes pictures of this kind of stuff? LOL

Luncheon was fine, nothing overly entertaining, except how many compliments FS got about all his help. Oh my....this child will never stop surprising me. Unfortunately, he apparently had so much "fun" that he's kind of looking forward to the next funeral....um, we have a problem here. I made it very clear, though, that this is NOT how a "normal" funeral will go and he will just be a guest in the future. I don't know how this got out of hand so quickly. lol School will be interesting when we get to career day. "I want to be a funeral director when I grow up." Do you think they'll call a parent conference for that?!

Sneaky Chef moments

There are some different views on mealtimes, especially with foster kids.  Foster kids have a lot of food issues and some things may work for some kids and not others.  We've only had one foster kid so far, so my opinion isn't the end all, be all, but generally the rule in our house is that we make one meal, eat it or don't, but we don't make a second option.  I've also heard suggestions that if they don't like the meal, then they can eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I don't agree with that either.  Perhaps with a future foster child, we may choose that, but I'm not a fan.  If the child gets hungry enough, they'll eat what is put in front of them.

I'm not saying I will force liver and onions or brussel sprouts at every meal.  I will (and do) get the child involved in deciding what's for dinner (giving them healthy options to choose from) and will adjust meals somewhat when I know for sure what foods they really, seriously do or do not like.  For example, I know this one does not like mushrooms or carrots, so that's ok, I limit using those or when I do I will try to make it separate so they don't have to add them, and I won't make them as the only vegetable.  I won't force them to finish dinner, but they won't get dessert (if there is one) and the remainder of their dinner will be their nighttime snack.  Again, they don't have to eat it, but they won't get anything else.  They won't starve by breakfast if they miss one meal.

During a safety interview the caseworker had alone with the child at one point, she asked if we fed him, he said no, in child friendly language she asked him to elaborate and basically came up with he didn't like the food.  Basically, she asked if we provided food, he said yes, she said he doesn't have to like it, we just have to provide it.

So, having said all of that, our foster child is a pretty good eater, meaning he will eat what we provide (and has come a long way from saying we don't feed him and he hates our food...lol)  He also eats his vegetables very nicely, however we all know that none of us eat enough veggies throughout the day, which brings me to my point of this blog.  A few years ago, I read the book "The Sneaky Chef" and thought it had brilliant ideas!  I haven't actually followed specific recipes in it, but I took the idea and basically simplified it.  I just cook veggies, puree them, then freeze them in ice cube trays (excellent, healthier and cheaper way to make baby food btw also.)  I will, at any point, grab a cube or two of veggies and add them to just about anything.

Some things I put them in:
pasta sauce
smoothies
mashed potatoes
anything that calls for a cream sauce
gravy
grilled cheese sandwiches
wraps
mac and cheese
meatloaf
and my favorite so far.....pancakes!

How my sneaky cheffing started was with pancakes.  This kid loves any breakfast food that comes with syrup!  Pancakes are common in this house so I make a bunch at one time and freeze them, which makes for much faster mornings!  I had some extra broccoli from leftovers so I pureed it up and just tested one pancake with some mixed in.  They turned green and they were a little denser but taste-wise, they were great.  Unless I added a LOT of broccoli puree, I really couldn't taste it.  Well the little stinker is way too smart and saw the green pancakes and asked why they were green.  I had a "story" prepared already, I was just going to say I made them special because it's his favorite color...lol  He accepted that but then asked if I put broccoli in them.  Really?!  I said yes, of course, everybody puts all kinds of things in pancakes.  LOL  At first he was all "Ew!" but after tasting them he accepted that they didn't taste any different, so he was fine with it.  Ever since then, he actually enjoys helping me be a sneaky chef!  He helped me put carrot puree (yes the dreaded carrots that he hates!) in meatloaf and ate it without any problems.  I tell ya, once becoming a mom, my creative-thinking-on-my-feet part of my brain is really getting a workout!

So, don't fear the veggies.  Get them involved and be "sneaky chefs" together.  Try to pull one over on other members of the household.  Make it a game, see if people can guess the hidden veggies.

Dog themed party!

In the fall, when most of our birthday parties were, our little one asked when the dog (Holly's) birthday was.  We explained that she was a rescue so we don't know when she was born.  He told us to guess, so we guessed March (thinking he probably won't remember about it and if he does, not much happens in March, little did I realize then that Easter would be in March this year, not to mention court baloney, sport things, etc.)  Oh well. lol

So at the end of February, he asked what month was next, we said "March" and he got excited and said, "That's when Holly's birthday is!  We need to have a party!"  Oops.  So much for forgetting about it...lol

Somehow it became quite an event.  We can't show many of the photos because of privacy, but here are some of the ideas I came up with.  Ok, ok, I didn't come up with most of them, I found them on pinterest...lol

I had help making paw prints on the sidewalk to guide our guests to the party.  (Pay no attention to the dead grass!  lol)

Our "Welcome Sign"!  

 I'm not sure how much I liked how this idea panned out, but others seemed to like it.  I wanted to make felt dog ears for everyone to wear but I couldn't find brown/black/white felt!  Every place I went either didn't have felt at all or were out of those colors.  I also didn't really look for them more than one day, so I didn't try really hard on that one.  So I just ended up using colored paper and taping them to stretchy headbands.  Looked kind of cheap, but who cares?

I also had the little one come up with "Best" awards for each guest.  He came up with them on his own (we came up with his....Best Kite Flier)  Some of them were--Best Science Teacher (my husband who is a science experiment geek), Best Play Friend (my niece, they're buddies), Best Spoiler (my mother, that's what grandmothers are for), Best at Minion Hockey (my father in law, apparently he uses his cane and a stuffed minion to play minion hockey...um ok?), Best Pancake Maker (my sister, she adds chocolate chips), and mine was Best Party Planner!  LOL   He really put thought into those awards and he helped me cut them out.  Nothing like working on fine motor skills without it seeming like work!  Ha ha ha!  Sneaky!  ;)

And the slips of paper in the little green bowl are for a game, I'll talk about down further.

Our "spread"!

 Drink station, I got a big "EWWWW!" about the Toilet Water.  Children love "potty jokes"!

 The people cake in the back (chocolate cake and chocolate icing, what else???) and the dog friendly cake in the front.  She was afraid of the lit candle, but we had a volunteer to blow out the candle for her.

Our precious birthday girl enjoying her doggy ice cream!

To put the "adoption" idea in his head a little just in case the process takes him there, we had an "Adoption Center" for furry friends in need of loving homes.  We tried to find stuffed dogs but the dollar store didn't have ANY!  So we used the excuse that not all people are dog people, so we have a variety...lol  Whatever works.  The bears were the last to go, everyone liked the unusual animals.  :)

We had several dog themed games planned, unfortunately I can't show you those pictures, though they are hysterical!

We played Hot Potato with one of Holly's dog toys, but instead of being "out" if you're stuck with the toy when the music stops, you had to pull a slip of paper from the green bowl (from the photo above) and do a dog trick!  We had "Roll Over", "Shake (your whole body like a wet dog)", "Fetch", "Wag Tail", etc.  Shake and Wag Tail were definitely the funniest!  ;)  If the music stopped on you a second time, you chose someone else to do a trick so everyone got a chance.

Another game was balancing a Scooby Snack (small round sugar cookies with paw prints on them) on your nose, then throwing them up in the air and catching them in your mouth.  I don't think anyone actually caught it in their mouth except my mom who just kind of slid it off her nose and into her mouth.  She didn't throw it up from her nose, so I don't know if that counts......hmmmm

In the last game we put Puppy Chow (Cocoa Puffs) in a bowl and everyone had to eat out of the bowl without using their hands, like a dog.  Whoever ate it all first, won!

It was a super fun party, I'm kind of hoping the munchkin chooses a themed party we can make ourselves for his next birthday instead of wanting Chuck E Cheese, bowling, arcade, or those kinds.  I'll probably save money and I think these parties are much more fun!  I'm not sure if that makes me sane or not.....

Tricks of Time Out

With our first placement (who we still have), there were a lot of issues with behaviors (and still are on occasion) and we apparently became experts on the art of Time Out.

So here are a few tips that we've learned....


1.  Stay calm.  Easier said than done when you have an insane, emotional, aggressive, psychotic little hurricane of a child going crazy.  Stay neutral, no matter how difficult.  Show no emotion.

2.  BEFORE a possibility of time out (when reviewing rules is a good time) explain what happens when rules are broken.
     For example-When you break this rule, you go into time out.  Because you are 5 years old, time out will be for 5 minutes.  Time out will start when you are sitting in time out and behaving properly.  Explain that it's ok to be angry/sad/etc, but you still need to behave appropriately.  Crying is ok, but name calling, screaming, kicking, etc is not ok and time out will not start until that behavior stops.  We will come to you when time out is over and talk about why you were in time out, then we want apologies.  (Hugs are good afterwards as well but tread lightly depending on the child's history and trauma.)

3.  Be clear and concise about expectations and what will happen when it looks like a time out is coming.
     For example-Hitting is not allowed.  If you hit again you will go into time out.

4.  If they continue with whatever the warning was about, don't get into a battle, simply state that they need to go to time out, then continue with what you were doing.

5.  You've told them what to do and why, now you wait for them to do it.  IGNORE any attempts to get your attention including aggression, screaming, crying, grabbing at you, etc.  If you need to intervene for their (or other's) safety, do so without making eye contact or giving any attention.  This could last for a long time, be prepared.
     For example-they start screaming any number of nasty things, including profanity, they get aggressive, kicking, biting, hair pulling, they try to destroy property, ripping paper, knocking over glass, banging on walls.  What do you do?  Keep them and others safe (blocking them from hitting, removing items that are dangerous, pulling your hair from their little vice like grip---and then putting it in a ponytail) and IGNORE THEM.  Do not get upset, do not show any emotion in your face.  Seriously, go play some poker and learn that poker face well.  You'll need it!  They will try everything to get your attention!  I have heard some whoppers.  Hysterical sobbing while saying "You're hurting my heart!" comes to mind.  Eventually (and sometimes it's 20+ minutes, or for those really stubborn ones even an hour or more) you will WIN!  They will realize this isn't getting them anywhere, they will go in time out.  Just in case sometime you think they might actually have forgotten what they're supposed to do, you can "remind them" without talking to them.  Talk to a spouse, other kid, even a pet "We'll pull out our snacks after Jimmy is done in time out in the chair."  Then it gives them the reminder without giving them the attention.  This probably would only be needed for the first time or two of time out when they're getting used to what it's all about.

Side note-For some kids or in some circumstances depending on the age/size of the child, you can try placing them in time out over and over and over again until they stay.....more likely needed for toddlers or young children, but be careful, especially with foster kids.  Putting your hands on them, even in this type of situation and not in an aggressive way can be a sticky situation to be in, so avoid if possible.  However, if you choose to try this, again, do NOT make eye contact, do not talk, do not respond in any way.  And be consistent.  You will get tired, you will get frustrated, but if you stop or give up it will be that much harder next time!  I promise!

6.  Time out is over now (which started AFTER they were sitting in time out in a calm manner, or whatever you feel is acceptable.)  Come down to their level.  Stay neutral still.  Try to stay matter of fact without being confrontational.  Tell them what they did to go into time out, explain why it's not ok to do whatever it was.  Tell them you want an apology (or need to apologize to anyone else who was affected.)
     For example-Time out is over.  You were in time out because you pushed Billy.  It's not ok to push or be aggressive in any way because someone might get hurt.  I would like you to apologize to Billy and offer him a hug.

7.  Move on!  Don't hold a grudge (although that is hard sometimes!)  Did apologies and hugs, now let's go play.

Them's the basics, but here are some other suggestions...........

8.  The person who initiates it should complete it when possible, but spouse/other adults must support the decision!  If dad tells the kid time out and mom's the softy, the kid knows it, goes to mom crying, mom says, "ok no time out but don't do it again", this is not ok!  Support each others decisions, even if you don't agree.  After it's over and the child isn't in earshot, THEN discuss what you don't agree on so you are on the same page.  Don't make it look like one doesn't agree with the other, that will put the kid in the position of realizing he can play one parent against the other, never a good thing!   If he calls my husband a bad name, husband says time out, my husband is the one who goes to him after time out for apologies and to discuss.  If husband has to leave or needs his own emotional time out, I can/will step in to complete if necessary.  Things happen that aren't in your control, but try to be consistent with it as much as possible.

9.  We also will discuss good decisions and bad decisions that he made throughout the time out process.
Don't harp on the bad decisions a lot, just review what he did, what he should do better next time.  Let him know it's ok to make mistakes, but that's why there are punishments/consequences/time outs.  They're to help us learn so we try not to make mistakes again.  However, make a HUGE deal about the good decisions he made.
  For example-What good and bad decisions did you make?  "I made a bad decision because I called names and didn't go into time out right away.  I made good decisions by not being aggressive."  So my response would be "Right, name calling isn't nice so I know you'll try to remember not to do that.  And next time you'll try to go to time out right away so it can be over faster, right?  But I'm SO GLAD you made such a great decision by not being aggressive!  That makes me so proud of you!  You controlled yourself and didn't hit or kick even though you were very angry!  You did a great job and it makes me so happy!  I knew you could do it!"   I mean, I lay it on thick!  lol  But push push push the positive reinforcement!

If they need help finding good and bad decisions, help them, but ALWAYS find a good decision that they made!  Even if after 20 minutes they FINALLY went into time out and completed it, that's a good decision!  lol

10.  Be prepared to follow through no matter where you are.  Be prepared to be late to things.  Especially early on when they're learning about this time out thing.  We also make it clear that time out will still happen if a case worker is here, if we're at a party, if we're at the store.  Consistency!  If you say you'll do it, do it!

Yes we have walked out of the grocery store and left a cart full in the aisle with him kicking and screaming the whole way out.  Hey, it happens and guess what.  I look at those parents as GOOD parents.  I give kudos to the ones who walk out with a screaming child.  It drives me crazy when I see a kid whining for a cookie so the parent opens a package of cookies to shut them up.  Um, no.  I'm not saying I haven't opened up a box of granola bars during a long grocery trip because we're running behind and everyone's hungry (which of course I pay for!  I don't leave an opened box/bag on the shelf when we're done.  I can't even say how super wrong that is.)  But the whining and tantruming is NOT how the child gets what he wants.

11.  Most important, keep your sense of humor in your own head.  Keep your blood pressure down by remembering YOU are in charge.  They want to be in charge, but they are not.  YOU ARE.  If they want to have a tantrum, let them.  They can get angry and kick and scream and get all worked up all they want, but YOU have the ability to keep yourself calm.  You don't have to get all worked up with them.  To keep myself occupied doing something and not paying attention to them, sometimes I'll pull out a piece of paper and just start writing.  He doesn't know what I'm doing, he just knows I'm not paying attention to him.  I've written "oh, here we go.  Another time out.  I wonder how long this will last"  (then as I was getting scratched by teeny tiny fingernails) "Reminder to self, trim his nails."  This little funny moment in my head helped me to keep my cool and remember this will end.   And get stubborn.  Think to yourself, no I will not let this little devil child beat me!  I am older and smarter and he will not win!  I will remain calm because I'm not the one screaming.  I'm not the one who has to sit in time out and be bored.  Eh...sucks to be him.  It's silly and of course I would not say these things out loud..lol..but it helps me keep my cool.

12.  Natural consequences are marvelous things!  If he throws his toy and it breaks, that's a natural consequence to his behavior.  "I'm not fixing it, I didn't break it.  That's a good lesson to learn, not to throw your toys."  One time, he was ripping down magnets and the papers on the refrigerator.  I knew nothing there was irreplaceable, but there was a wedding invitation to an uncle's wedding.  I didn't want it to get ripped but I knew I could get another if I wanted.  However, he ripped it down and shredded it into lots of little pieces.  I didn't react at all. (He didn't know what it was at the time.)  During the event, I even texted "uncle" and told him, he'd be getting a phone call apologizing soon and explained.  After time out, I told him to clean up what he threw down, ripped, etc.  I explained what the invitation was and then told him he had to call "uncle" and apologize for ripping it.  He got very upset.  He was embarrassed and ashamed, but it was important that he apologize for what he did.  He did, all was well, but I think that was a very important lesson to learn.  Another incident, he knocked down a bunch of picture frames.  One of them broke, so I told him he had to use his allowance to buy me a new frame because he broke the other one.  (Dollar store, no biggie.)  **I believe in some counties/agencies, this is not allowed, which I think is ridiculous, so make sure before you do this.  It was allowed for us.


So, this is pretty long, but I hope some find it useful.  And when suddenly time out isn't working right, go back and review.  What are you doing or not doing that you should be?

Good luck and stay calm.  Remember, YOU are not the one who is worked up and going into time out, so try not to let your blood pressure go up!  <3

The truth behind parenthood

I have struggled with infertility for 13 years.  Been through all kinds of medications, shots, ultrasounds, even major surgeries with no success of getting pregnant.

Fostercare was always something we considered and earlier this year we decided to finally move forward with it.  We went through the clearances, classes, evaluations, etc and we were approved and had our first placement on July 1st.  My husband and I thought "Finally!  We have our little family!  Just what we always wanted!"  And I personally thought "Yay!  I'll be this wonderful mom I always wanted to be!  I have no doubt we'll bond with any child and can handle anything thrown to us.  I'll always make time to play with him and give him one on one time, I'll plan special fun things like picnics in the living room on rainy days, make chocolate chip pancakes, go strawberry picking, do arts and crafts, go to the playground and the pool" etc etc etc.

See, I wanted to be a mom (or better a stay-at-home mom) for as long as I can remember.  I'm a "natural" caregiver to friends, family and even as my career.  I wanted all of those things I see everyone else have, school things, sports things, clubs, scouts, Christmas mornings....  I had it so built up in my head of how wonderful motherhood will be, how things will go so smoothly.  And then July 3rd happened.

Like I said, we got our placement on July 1st.  After 3 days I realized this was NOT what I signed up for and was NOT what I expected or built myself up for over the last 36 years.  (Due to legalities and privacy, I can't discuss details.)

What I discovered over the last two months is that parenthood is not peaches and cream all of the time.  From the many parents I've spoken to recently, it's not even peaches and cream 75% of the time.  More like 5-10%.  What is put out there from everyone (in public, on social media, etc) is the small wonderful percent.  What ISN'T put out there is the majority of the time, horrible, stressful, exhausting, boring or chaotic 90-95%.  I had a very sad, depressing and stressful 6 weeks or so and to be honest, I felt like a complete failure. I felt resentful, not specifically toward this little person in my home, but of the whole situation.  (I tried very hard not to take it out on him.)  Everything I had known about myself for 36 years feels like it's been all wrong and I'm not the person I thought I was.  If this huge part of me is completely wrong and apparently not the caregiver, maternal person I thought, then who the hell am I?

Expectations versus Reality.  Obviously, what I expected was not at all the reality.  Luckily, I've had an amazing support system of family, friends and even the foster agency we work with.  Everyone (specifically mothers) have helped me to know that generally most people have this Expectations versus Reality syndrome happen whether biological, adoption or foster.  It's normal and natural and most days are just about survival.  Making sure the child is fed something for breakfast, even if a piece of toast or leftover macaroni and cheese, is survival and those rare moments of actually having the time and making the effort to make chocolate chip pancakes is a rare occurrence.  People are not going to post a picture of toast, but they'll post a picture of chocolate chip pancakes.

As for bonding, I bond with everyone.  I bond with kids in line at the supermarket even.  Why would I have any problem bonding with a child in my home?  Well, because I get to see the naughty, resentful, challenging, lying, snotty, poopy, whiny, crabby, and sometimes downright EVIL side of this little person for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I'm a great aunt!  I love my nieces to pieces and they're the most perfect little people in the world!  BUT I don't have to deal with the bad stuff.  I get the fun stuff and then send them home!  Seems like common sense, right?  I thought so too, but still, my brain apparently didn't believe it.  So 6 or 7 weeks after having this little person in my home, I'm FINALLY only STARTING to feel a bond toward him....and that's only sometimes!  lol

My point to this whole post is just to put the real, honest, down and dirty truth out there, especially to so many PCOSers who so desperately want a family and little feet running around (and they do run...pretty much from the moment they wake up until they finally shut their mouths and fall asleep.)  It's exhausting and frustrating and, most of the time, not so fun.  I am hoping that I come to a place with this that I say "it's still all worth it", but I'm not sure that I will anymore.  I might, there's time.  I'm not going to shut this whole thing down without giving it a really really good effort, but I'm starting to accept that perhaps motherhood is not meant for me, despite what I've always thought and what everyone in my life says and thinks.  I need to be honest with myself and my feelings are not wrong, even if they are much different than I thought they'd be.

Room layout

We're close enough to the end of the process that I feel comfortable doing a little bit of "prep" work, like actually getting the bedroom ready.  That means removing all of our crap...my scrapbooking stuff, treadmill, books, vacuum cleaner, etc.  Now to find a new home for all of that stuff...hmmm....

So, I'm looking around the room trying to figure out how to place the furniture that will give the kid room to play, while keeping at least one window accessible (per state requirement.)  It's a small room with 2 windows and the 2 pieces of furniture we have are a large dresser and a cabinet of sorts with a door and  mirror.  They are both extremely heavy!  So I don't want to move them around more than necessary!  lol  I found this gem of a website! (Click Here) You enter in measurements and you can move things around to get an idea of what fits where and how it'll look.  I love it!  Here are a few options we came up with.   I think we're leaning towards the last picture.  We can always change it around if the kid wants something different too, but we need some game plan to start.

Hopefully we'll be hearing from our agency today or tomorrow with the A-OK!  I'm trying to keep myself busy and not to stress.....I'm trying.....  

All the good stuff in one spot

For months I've been scouring blogs and pinterest to find tips, hear stories, anything to help me plan for this journey.  It's also helped me kill time when I feel the need to DO something while I wait for the next appointment or class.  So, I have a whole bunch of websites I bookmarked on my computer and have them somewhat organized.  I figured I'd share what I found with you all (all 2 people who read my blog..lol)


-Homestudy-
http://whenthestorkgetsconfused.blogspot.com/2015/01/homestudy-part-1.html

-Info for extended family-
http://www.fostercareqanda.com/blog/how-do-you-explain-foster-care-to-your-friends-and-family
http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2012/01/family-affair-fostering-extended-family.html

-Paperwork-
http://youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com/2013/11/foster-care-binder.html?m=1
http://cherubmamma.blogspot.com/2012/02/organization.html
http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/ss/foster_care_record_keeping.htm

-Questions to ask when you get "The Call"-
http://helponechild.org/resources/foster-parent-questions
http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/tp/fosterquestions.htm


-Making them feel welcome-
     -Welcome Boxes-
https://www.portlandoregon.gov/parks/article/511591
http://www.alittlebiteoflife.net/champions-for-kids-energizer-light-up-a-life-part-2-energizercfk-cbias/
http://www.frugallivingnw.com/giving-opportunity-welcome-boxes-for-kids-entering-foster-care/
     -Welcome Book-
http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/pdfs/domestic/Welcome%20Book_Fostering%20Families.pdf
     -General welcoming tips-
http://www.fostercareqanda.com/blog/how-do-you-welcome-a-new-child-to-your-home

-The First Night-
http://youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-to-do-first-night.html
http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-first-night.html
http://fosterdreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/31-days-welcoming-foster-child.html

-Other foster tips/info-
A-Z tips -- http://foster2forever.com/2014/01/become-foster-parent.html
New kid timeline -- http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-kids-timeline.html
When a child leaves -- http://unitedforadoption.blogspot.com/2013/03/when-foster-child-leaves.html

This person's blog has been a gem to find.  It's from a former foster kid and she tells it like it is and I love hearing about experiences from the foster kid point of view.
https://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/tips-for-those-involved-with-the-foster-care-system/

And in case I didn't list enough websites for you to visit, here's a whole list of foster care blogs!  I haven't even made a dent in these!  lol
http://foster2forever.com/foster-care-blog-hop

My foster care binder makeover

My binder for the licensing process so far is boring.  It's gray.  It was one I happened to have so I just started using it, but it seems so drab, especially when we're talking about dealing with kids.  It needs some life!  Soooo...I decide to be brave and try decoupage for the first time.   Here we go!

BORING!!!

First, I needed to find WHAT I wanted to decorate it with.  I had a very worn (and scribbled on) kids' book that had cute pictures, so I decided to use that, but then I needed a background color.  Luckily, my mother-in-law got me addicted to scrapbooking, so I have every scrapbook paper/color known to man.  I found 2 of the same yellow sheet that matched nicely with my cute pictures, but I also needed an accent color for the spine because the yellow sheets weren't big enough, so I grabbed a red.

I also had Mod Podge from a while ago that I bought but never actually was brave enough to try, so I had that already on hand.  Also needed sponges to spread the Mod Podge, scissors to cut out my cute pictures, paper trimmer to measure and cut the correct size and wax paper to try to keep from making a huge mess on the table...lol

My supplies.   

I emptied my binder (which might be a pain to put all the stuff back in then but I didn't want to risk getting the papers messy.)  I did the spine first.  According to what I've read on how to do this, I spread the Mod Podge on the binder AND on the back of the paper.  Placed the paper where I wanted it, creased the corners and then spread more all over it again, especially the edges.  I used a baking scraper (seen in a picture farther down) to help get rid of air bubbles and make it smooth. I was a big old mess after this initial attempt.  It looks all nice and neat in the photo, but it took me a while to get it just right, get it creased without shifting (and the paper was somewhat stiff as well, so that didn't help.  Though in another how-to blog I read, they suggested dampening the paper if it's thick or stiff to help it be more pliable, but I didn't do that.)  So, got the red on finally and somewhat happy with the results, then I was stuck with how on earth I sit this to dry?  lol  If I laid it open the creases got funky and I wanted them to dry in a nice position, so I balanced it carefully (after it falling on the floor once and the glue picking up dust and dog hair, yay) on the back of the chair to dry (or mostly dry.)

I used this drying time to start cutting out my cute little pictures.  Once the red was mostly dry, I attached the front side of the yellow.  Again, made a huge mess, but got it on there.  Put Mod Podge all over the binder, then all over the back of the yellow sheet, then after placing it, attached more all over the whole front and especially around the edges and corners to make sure they stayed sealed down.  I've seen people fold the paper over to the inside, but the inside had a pocket and I didn't want to mess with that, so I just cut it right to the edge and hoped it'd stay down.  Then I let that dry again.

The front getting ready for the cute pictures.  Notice my baking scraper thing, it worked fantastic to help get rid of air bubbles and scraping off excess.

Once that was mostly dry it was time for the fun part!  Adding all my cute little pictures.  I did lay them out on the other yellow sheet, kind of as a guide so I knew where I wanted them.  There was a lot of picking up and laying back down, but I got them on.  Again, I Mod Podged the base (the yellow sheet) AND the back of the picture AND over top of all of it once it was all down.  Once that all dried, I did another coat AGAIN, just to seal it well and make sure (and the edges again just to make sure.)

 After that was really dry, I turned it over and just placed a yellow piece on the back, no special pictures or anything.

The final result.  I had a hard time getting a good angle shot showing the spine as well, but you get the picture.

I let it all dry well overnight and this morning I put all my papers back in.  It looks to be holding up really well, no issues with anything peeling up at all.  I'm pretty pleased with it, especially as my first attempt at Mod Podge.  Next I'm going to decorate up an empty oatmeal container and use it for my headbands.  ;)  lol

Mother's Day and conflicting emotions

DH and I have been "trying" for 13 years with no success.  Mother's Day has been pretty painful for me every year as a constant reminder of my desperate internal need to be a mother and my body's failure to successfully get pregnant.  I struggle every year with dealing with those emotions, but at the same time trying to enjoy and appreciate the time spent with my own mother, mother in law and grandmothers.

This year, like many others, I feel saddened because, yet again, I'm not pregnant and have no children, but I have the little bit of hope that things will change due to foster care and while I might not be the bio mom, I'll be another version of "mom" and while I hope to have the permanent "mom" position eventually, I'll cherish the temporary mom role while I have it.  But, again, I don't have it yet.  (And that stupid little niggling doubt in my head that we might not be approved is always there.)  This year I also have to deal with the recent loss of my grandmother, whom I was very close to and miss very much.

I do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day and I hope those who have pain around this holiday, for whatever reason, find peace in the day somehow.

Sometimes my timing is so gosh darn amazing...

Amazing timing can be a good thing or a bad thing.  In this case, it had the potential for very bad.

My lovely grandmother passed away last week. It was heart breaking as she was like a mother to me and we were terribly close.  It was expected and due to her seriously poor health at the end, it was a true blessing for her, but still sucks for me (and those she left behind.)

Her funeral was Monday.  I had another foster care class on Tuesday (which they absolutely would have rescheduled, but I knew Nanny wouldn't want it postponed.  Any reason to hurry the process so she could have another great-grandchild in the family, she'd encourage...lol)  I really was ok with having the class the next day, it did help me to get back to normal life.  I had been mourning the loss of "my Nanny" for years due to her health and like I said, it wasn't unexpected.  Anyway, the class was the next day and the topic.....grief and loss.  Are you kidding me?  Couldn't it be ANYTHING else today?  (And again, if I asked, she probably would have done something else, but I figured, maybe it's meant to be to have that class today.  "Everything happens for a reason" and blah blah blah, right?)

Well, it wasn't so much about death as it was about the loss the child feels about their bio parents, their toys, their routines, their lives as they knew them before, good or bad.  The stages, denial, anger, etc, and how they process them, how we help them cope, how the bios deal with it themselves and with their kids, etc.  Luckily, it didn't really trigger or relate to our recent loss.

I noticed when she left, I was back into foster-care-obsession-mode.  I realized that last week, after Nanny died (and I have to say, with my allergies going NUTS all week too) I was very distracted and had lost the obsession over it, but obviously just temporarily because it was totally back after she left...lol

So, I'm back to making my lists of to-do's, back to my constant daydreams of having a child there with every single thing I do, making dinner, running to the store, watching tv.  Going through scenarios of what I'd do with a child who was crying, who got in trouble, who asked questions, who met the family for the first time.....and on and on...  It's never-ending what my mind comes up with.  I think my brain is totally glad it had a break last week and wasn't uber-focused on it for a short time.  Well, sorry, brain.  Uber-focus is back.  I promise to try not to be neurotic about it, but I'm not holding out much hope.

Foster Care Classes

I looked for other blogs regarding what the classes or courses are like for foster care licensing and couldn't really find a list or any descriptions of what you actually learn in these things.  Today was our first "class" finally, so we got a list of what we'll be learning about and I'll post that below in case anyone else is interested.

So in a previous blog I mentioned that I had no idea if this person (I called her "Harriet" before, I'll just stick with that..lol), so I had no idea if Harriet was a case worker or social worker or something else.  I didn't know the difference between case or social worker, so I asked her.  She told me that she's actually called a "Family Resource Specialist" but did say that basically case worker, social worker, "Family Resource Specialist" are potentially all the same thing, so it didn't matter what I called her.  lol  So, at least for my agency, the names are somewhat interchangeable.  Probably not the case in all though.  She also gave me a list of definitions for a lot of fancy shmancy words that we'll hear throughout the course of training and during foster care, which will be nice to have handy.

I'm really excited because it finally seems like we're actually IN the process, not just starting it.  We met with Harriet 3 times so far, but each time just seemed like applications to fill out, q&a, clearance forms, etc.  I just didn't feel like we were making any movement FORWARD and, honestly, was making me feel insecure about the process.  I mean, if I don't feel like we're moving forward, is there a reason we're not?  Are we not going to be approved?  Is there something she doesn't like about us?  Intellectually, I know that I'm most likely being paranoid and neurotic about all of this, but could not stop my brain from thinking that way.  And my husband is the most patient man in the universe...lol

So, YAY! "Class" started today AND she told me that I should have an email this afternoon for us to get our fingerprints done.  If you read my last blog, she told me that she needed to review with her supervisor before clearances start, SO it sounds like that's all been done and clearances are ready to go!  So, I'm feeling much more secure.  Still on edge, but I think I will be until we have license in  hand.  Well, then I'll still probably be on edge, but about something new...like getting a placement...  I guess I'll be "on edge" the rest of my life.  Guess I (and hubby) better get used to it! ;)

So, here's the general list of training requirements we're going to be doing in class or on our own over the next few weeks.

Child Welfare System and History
Policies and Procedures
Cultural Diversity
First Aid
Breathing Difficulties
Resiliency
Child Development
Trauma
Grief and Loss
Abuse and Neglect
Suicide Prevention
Attachment
Visitation
Medication Administration
Mandated Reporting

* Less than 1/2 hour after posting this, I received the email for our fingerprinting, which they said they have already "taken care of the cost incurred" so now they have officially put out money for us and this process, which just makes me feel more secure in them wanting to approve us.  Just puts my mind at ease a little more.  I've never been more excited to get ink all over my fingers!  Woo hoo!  lol

Something is missing from my breakfast.

So, it's a lovely (albeit chilly) Saturday in April.  After sleeping in a little, dh and I start making breakfast together.  What's a better breakfast on a Saturday morning than french toast and sausage?  He's mixing up the "custard"  (I was corrected, it's not just egg once you add ingredients and mix...ok, ok, whatever..lol), so, he's mixing the custard (and making a mess, I might add) I'm getting the bread ready, heating the pan, getting the sausage out, etc, and I think, you know, I feel like something's missing.  Then I realize how much I desperately want kids there to do that with us.

I want a little toddler running in and grabbing our pant legs, or a 6 year old helping to crack eggs and making even more of a mess all over the counter.  I want that so desperately.  I've always wanted that and here and there I would think of those things, but because we're in the middle of this foster care process, I think about it all...of...the...time....  Every little thing I do, everywhere I go, I imagine having a kid or two with me, how it would be different (better and worse depending.  No 6 year old wants to run errands to go to the bank or grocery store, heck, I don't want to do that either.)  It's since starting this process that it's been made even more obvious to me that my life feels so empty without any little ones.  I feel like I'm getting so attached to these imaginary kids, it'll tear me apart if we're denied.  But how do I stop myself from imagining these things and preparing for it?

I believe I'm making myself and dh nuts during this process.  I question every little thing the agency worker says, does or doesn't say or doesn't do.  I don't question her directly, just in my own mind (and out loud to dh), why didn't she say anything about what we need to fix in the bedroom?  Why didn't she ask to see the back yard?  Is it because she already thinks they won't approve us so it doesn't matter?  Why did she suggest my office would be a good playroom?  Does she think we aren't giving the child enough space in the home?

I know I'm probably reading too much into these things, but it's how my mind works...welcome to the insanity that is my mind.  I'm the queen of "What-if".

Our classes start next week.  (The "classes" are really just her coming to us once a week or so and doing the training one-on-one.  I've heard others actually go to a classroom setting with other couples, but I think because the agency is small, they don't have enough couples to create actual classes.)  Anyway, next week is our first, I'm excited but constantly on edge that there will be some reason that she won't like us and there goes our chances.  It comes down to a decision by the board once all the paperwork, clearances, classes are done and really her thoughts hold a lot of weight in their decision, so if she just doesn't like us she could push their decision to deny us.  It's a very subjective thing.  It's not a simple, cut and dry test we take.  It really comes down to if they like us and think we'll be good parents.  No one likes to be rejected and this would be a serious rejection!  Normally, I don't care all that much about what other people think of me, but this is just so different.  She potentially holds our lives in her hands and that's super scary.

She also said she still hasn't sent in our clearances because she goes over our interviews with her supervisor first (which we just finished last week.)  I thought those were sent 2 weeks ago.  They pay for them (which is nice) but since I thought they were already sent, I thought they started "putting out money" on us therefore we were on the right track.  I mean, why would they waste the money if she didn't think we'd be approved.  Now knowing they haven't done that yet, makes me wonder if they just don't want to waste the money if they won't approve us.

Check and double-check everything! Even doctors make mistakes!

Along with a million forms to fill out, home studies and clearances, we also need a "medical appraisal."  So our doctor appointment was this morning.  What should have been 30 minutes for both me and hubby, ended up being an hour and 15 minutes.  Why?  Because my hubby and the doctor are both chatterboxes!  LOL

Then as we're checking out (and hubby and doc are still chatting in the hall now), luckily I thought to review the forms the doctor filled out.  Well, I noticed he missed a question completely.  So I handed it back to him to answer it.  He gave it back and I'm glad I reviewed it again because I then noticed he answered a question wrong.  It says "General impression of current health status" and the doctor wrote "yes"....um, doc?  It's not a yes or no question...lol  At this point the nurse and receptionist were laughing at the doctor and said, "Stop talking and pay attention!"  LOL

So, good lesson to learn.  Check and double-check everything!!!  LOL  (I also made extra photocopies of the forms he needed to fill out, just in case.)  I was also told by several people to make copies of everything handed in to anyone as well, because apparently, lots of paperwork gets lost in the shuffle of case workers, agencies, court, judges, etc.

Oh the things we do to become parents!

I just about had 4 heart attacks...This may be a long story, I could sum it up, but you need to get the full effect.

DH has a big plastic toolbox that's been out on the back porch a while. We want to bring it in to store the medications, vitamins, etc and he put it in the bathtub for me to clean off. No biggie.

I get ready to clean it and see a little white spidery thing and right away said, heck no, you gotta get rid of those spider things! So while he poked at a white webby looking thing, 2 big huge black hairy evil spiders come running out. Heart Attack #1.

He takes it outside to remove any other spider homes (good idea hubby!) He brings it back in and assures me no more spiders. So I proceed with cleaning it with the removable shower head. And here comes Heart Attack #2. The shower head slipped from my hand and faced right at me, sprayed me full forced direct hit for several seconds (felt like minutes) until I got ahold of it again, all the while I'm screaming. (Granted, not a major heart attack, more of a little shock to the system.)

I gain control of the shower head and continue cleaning and spraying it down, I see a little white thing again and spray at it full force thinking whatever's in there will come out or drown, nothing happens except it gets flattened and smushed in the corner. I'm no fool...I ain't putting my fingers or something in there to get it out. I call DH. I hold the sprayer, he starts scraping it out with his pocket knife and another evil big hairy monster spider comes FLYING out! I shriek or something, ran from the room, started hyperventilating with my heart beating out of my chest. Heart Attack #3.

After a while DH tells me all of them are gone, he's SURE. He's in the bathroom spraying it down more all over, I'm sitting on the (closed) toilet watching and trying to get my breathing under control and ANOTHER spider starts crawling around. And Heart Attack #4. This one's actually tiny, but at this point I'm so worked up it doesn't matter what size it is. He tries to squish it TWICE and it wouldn't die. At this point I just leave and refuse to come back in the bathroom. I might not shower or use the toilet for days...

Meeting #2, basically going over the bazillion forms we already filled out.

Ok, so read the title of this blog.  Yep, that's the meeting.  End of blog.

Just kidding.  Well, not really.  We really did just review and expanded just a tad on the questionnaire and applications.  Spent an hour or two talking a little about us, what we're concerned about, and what we're looking for (ages/gender/etc, which btw, at this point we're accepting newborn to 10 years old, any race, any gender.  We'll consider siblings, but we only have one spare room, so depending on the age, they should be the same sex and we'd prefer our first placement to just be one child to kind of break us in a little.)

We scheduled the next appointment for next week, she gave us homework - lots more forms to fill out (yippee), we need physicals, need paperwork for the dog (shots, etc), license, registration copies, etc.  Boring kind of stuff like that.

Ok, next potential problem and stress causing topic for me---the physical.  Now, we both had a physical recently, we need them regularly for work.  I'm not worried about me, but I'm concerned about hubby's.  He has a surgical implant in his back and because of that, he has a lifting limit.  She was slightly concerned about it, basically said that the board has to give final approval and they may question that.  How can he care for a child if he can't lift them.  Well, he can up to 20 pounds without issues, beyond that, honestly, he'll do what he needs to do.  It's not that he CAN'T lift more, he shouldn't because it'll cause some potential damage or interfere with the implant.  If that should happen, it can be fixed with an out-patient procedure, so I'm not concerned about his ability to care for any child, but what if they have a problem with it?   Now this sucks because I won't even know until the very end of this entire process if they will deny us for that.  We would have gone through all the clearances, classes, training, paperwork, etc and at the last minute something like that could stop us.

I guess worrying about it won't do any good.  We just do what we can/what we need to and let the chips fall where they may. :/

My lesson in patience.....

Getting my friends to send back reference letters should be the easy part of this journey, right?  Well, it was...kinda.  Getting them to fill them out and send them back was easy.  Waiting for the snail mail to deliver them was the hard part.

Confirmation from person "A" that it was mailed 3/28.  Person "B" said it was mailed 3/30.  Person "C" mailed it on 4/2 and person "D" was out of town (which I didn't realize) so I expected that to be delayed. The social worker (or is it case worker?  I guess she's the case worker, not social worker...or are they basically the same thing?  I don't even know.  How sad is that?  lol)  Anyway, we'll call her Harriet...Harriet said they only needed 3 of the 4 returned to move on to the next step.  I figured, no worries, 3 of them were mailed between 3/28 and 4/2 so they should arrive a few days after that, right?  Um, that's a big "N-O!"

I emailed her on 4/6 just letting her know that 3 of them were mailed and she should have them any day.  I was stressing over emailing her at all.  I don't want to appear too anxious and annoy her.  Or will it look like I'm on top of things?  Stressful!!!  lol  Anyway, she replied and said she only had one so far.  I wasn't overly concerned, I figured the others should arrive any day.  Well, day after day went by and I heard nothing.  NOW my mind goes crazy with "maybe she doesn't like us" or "maybe she doesn't think we'll be good parents and she's avoiding calling us" or even "maybe my friends don't like us as much as we thought and we got bad referrals!"  LOL  I sometimes think I'm insane!

Finally, finally, finally she got at least 3 of the letters and she called me on 4/13 to schedule the next appointment for 4/15.  And there we come to the next blog.  To be continued....  ;)

(I couldn't decide between the two photos for this blog..lol  So we just use them both!  Shout out to Princess Bride!)