When a punishment goes too far

There was a lot of very bad behavior this weekend by foster son at a family event.  In the course of one of the "episodes" there was a warning that he would lose a day of summer camp if it continued, it did.  I progressed to a week, then the whole summer.  At that point of the episode, he was too far gone to even be aware of consequences and I totally should have recognized that, but I didn't.  So I made the error of taking away all of summer camp.  Not an appropriate consequence, despite his episode.

So, now what do I do?  I don't want to give it back when it is a consequence, so I have to find a way of him getting it back but still following through on the punishment.  This is what we came up with....

He will lose 7 days of tablet time (his idea)
We chose 3 of his favorite toys and he had to pick one to "pack away" for now.
He has to write apology notes to each person that was involved in the episode.
Also has to accomplish the following chores:
Sweep (hardwood with a broom)
Vacuum carpets
Clean bathroom sink
Clean doorknobs and cabinet knobs
Pull weeds
Clean up dog poop

I told him when everything is completed properly, he may go back to camp.  He'll probably only miss one or two days at most, but that's ok.  I think this worked out ok.  I'd love to hear any comments or suggestions about it.

Kids and funerals

So, we've had a rough week. We lost my uncle and my grandfather within days of each other, so we had a funeral yesterday and today. We spoke to FS's therapist and caseworker in detail about their opinions on taking him to the funeral. After much discussion (with and without him) we decided to try it. Two funerals in two days does not a good time make, however it did turn out to be quite a learning experience and, oddly enough, entertaining. Ah...kids.... FS5 met my uncle one time and my grandfather numerous times. I wasn't sure how he'd react to the whole thing. His grandfather died last year so he understood (somewhat) about someone dying and not seeing them anymore (he didn't go to that funeral.)

He's very logically minded and likes to know how things work and asks "why" about EVERYTHING, so we expected lots of questions about this situation. We had multiple conversations over the past couple of weeks and I wanted to pass along what we came up with that seemed to work very well.

One night he was afraid of "ghosts". Now, not to get too involved in religious or belief discussion, basically, I don't want to dismiss his fears of the possibility of ghosts being around, but I think it was a stall tactic before going to bed. I told him ghosts aren't to be feared, they are just spirits of people who used to live and they come down to visit. He asked "Like Grandpa?" I said yes...now "Grandpa comes to visit" every once in a while according to him, but there hasn't been a fear of ghosts since then. So, he knows spirits are like ghosts and spirits go to heaven when people die.

Which leads me to his question of what happens to the body? We were pretty scientific and logical in this explanation. Simply, the spirit doesn't need the body anymore because it's in heaven now, so the body gets put in a safe place (mausoleum, cemetery, etc) while the spirit is always still "alive" in heaven. That being said, we explained that he may still see the body at the funeral and that's because some people still want to see them one last time. Also had to explain things that are appropriate or not appropriate to say about the body (scary, gross, cold, etc...lol). We told him he can ask us but whisper in our ears so not to upset anyone.

Next question, why or how do people die? Well, we were careful not to say they got sick or died in their sleep because we didn't want him to think if he gets a cold he'll die or afraid to go to sleep. We said they lived a long life (which obviously isn't always the case, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it) and did a lot of good things during their life and God told them they were done learning and working here and He said it was time for them to come to heaven and help there.

So, uncle's funeral was yesterday, we prepped him VERY well on appropriate behavior, being quiet, sitting still, no talking. We had a backpack full of quiet activities (stuffed animals, mazes, coloring, books, etc) and while I don't encourage and rarely let him play with phones/tablets, I was willing to pull it out if need be. I was amazed at his behavior! He was slightly restless, but listened and sat still. We didn't even pull out any toys (except in the car, long ride.) He jumped from one person's lap to another every 10-15 minutes, but did it with very little disturbance. He didn't seem the least bit bothered by the open casket and even said "Goodbye Uncle G" as we walked past. He did ask (quietly) to me why they cut off my uncle's legs. No, his legs were not cut off, apparently there wasn't the bulge in the blanket that he expected, so he thought they were cut off! LOL Oh my gosh..... He again behaved well at the cemetery and at the luncheon. I couldn't be prouder and made sure to tell him that and that he should be proud of himself.

That leads me to my grandfather's funeral today, we prepped him again about appropriate behavior, had backpack ready just in case he needed it today. We had a slight fight over what he was wearing, but that's nothing new. We had done most of the preparations for this funeral and were some of his closest family, so we were there from the beginning.

Almost right from the beginning he made pals with the funeral director and employees. I swear, you can't make this stuff up... He started with a tour of the place including the funeral director's office, closets, etc. In one "closet" area was a gurney. He asked what it was for and the funeral director looked at my husband with wide eyes, like "how do I answer this?", then almost right away FS said "Oh, that's probably for the bodies so you can move them easier." LOL Then her eyes got bigger. Well, he is a logical kid! Then he was helping pass out cards and hold open the doors as people were coming in. (We kept trying to pull him away, but he wanted no parts of that and the employees kept pulling him for new "jobs". lol) Suddenly I find him with a "name badge" and flag pin that "all employees wear"! What is happening here? He's such a little charmer...lol

Finally we had the service and he did wonderfully. Again, the funeral director actually came to him and said he's "still on the clock" and asked if he wanted to help dismiss people by aisles. Well, of course he did! lol At the end, he said bye to Poppy and even patted his shoulder on his own. Then, he obviously remembered about Uncle G's "missing feet" so he full out asked to see Poppy's feet! And the funeral director was just more than happy to show him! (After people had mostly left. Boy, this child had people very entertained, I must say.)

I was ready to book it out of there, I didn't want to see them close the casket, I just wanted to get to the car to get ready to follow to the cemetery, but of course the little guy had to see what was happening, so we stayed. (I could have left him with my husband, but I just turned away while it was being closed and carried out, I was ok and glad he wanted to learn....as odd of a thing as it was to learn, still it's good to learn new things.)

So, I'm thinking his "job" is done now...um nope. They asked him to help hand out roses for people to place on the casket. Then, he wanted to stay to watch the casket get lowered. I could not stay for that, I did take off and left him with hubby then. Ok, even odder still (yes, my family is full of oddness), my 11 year old niece and 5 year old FS stood side by side with my niece's arm around FS watching the casket get lowered and my mom asked my husband to take a picture. Honestly, it was a sweet picture, but geez....who takes pictures of this kind of stuff? LOL

Luncheon was fine, nothing overly entertaining, except how many compliments FS got about all his help. Oh my....this child will never stop surprising me. Unfortunately, he apparently had so much "fun" that he's kind of looking forward to the next funeral....um, we have a problem here. I made it very clear, though, that this is NOT how a "normal" funeral will go and he will just be a guest in the future. I don't know how this got out of hand so quickly. lol School will be interesting when we get to career day. "I want to be a funeral director when I grow up." Do you think they'll call a parent conference for that?!

Sneaky Chef moments

There are some different views on mealtimes, especially with foster kids.  Foster kids have a lot of food issues and some things may work for some kids and not others.  We've only had one foster kid so far, so my opinion isn't the end all, be all, but generally the rule in our house is that we make one meal, eat it or don't, but we don't make a second option.  I've also heard suggestions that if they don't like the meal, then they can eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I don't agree with that either.  Perhaps with a future foster child, we may choose that, but I'm not a fan.  If the child gets hungry enough, they'll eat what is put in front of them.

I'm not saying I will force liver and onions or brussel sprouts at every meal.  I will (and do) get the child involved in deciding what's for dinner (giving them healthy options to choose from) and will adjust meals somewhat when I know for sure what foods they really, seriously do or do not like.  For example, I know this one does not like mushrooms or carrots, so that's ok, I limit using those or when I do I will try to make it separate so they don't have to add them, and I won't make them as the only vegetable.  I won't force them to finish dinner, but they won't get dessert (if there is one) and the remainder of their dinner will be their nighttime snack.  Again, they don't have to eat it, but they won't get anything else.  They won't starve by breakfast if they miss one meal.

During a safety interview the caseworker had alone with the child at one point, she asked if we fed him, he said no, in child friendly language she asked him to elaborate and basically came up with he didn't like the food.  Basically, she asked if we provided food, he said yes, she said he doesn't have to like it, we just have to provide it.

So, having said all of that, our foster child is a pretty good eater, meaning he will eat what we provide (and has come a long way from saying we don't feed him and he hates our food...lol)  He also eats his vegetables very nicely, however we all know that none of us eat enough veggies throughout the day, which brings me to my point of this blog.  A few years ago, I read the book "The Sneaky Chef" and thought it had brilliant ideas!  I haven't actually followed specific recipes in it, but I took the idea and basically simplified it.  I just cook veggies, puree them, then freeze them in ice cube trays (excellent, healthier and cheaper way to make baby food btw also.)  I will, at any point, grab a cube or two of veggies and add them to just about anything.

Some things I put them in:
pasta sauce
smoothies
mashed potatoes
anything that calls for a cream sauce
gravy
grilled cheese sandwiches
wraps
mac and cheese
meatloaf
and my favorite so far.....pancakes!

How my sneaky cheffing started was with pancakes.  This kid loves any breakfast food that comes with syrup!  Pancakes are common in this house so I make a bunch at one time and freeze them, which makes for much faster mornings!  I had some extra broccoli from leftovers so I pureed it up and just tested one pancake with some mixed in.  They turned green and they were a little denser but taste-wise, they were great.  Unless I added a LOT of broccoli puree, I really couldn't taste it.  Well the little stinker is way too smart and saw the green pancakes and asked why they were green.  I had a "story" prepared already, I was just going to say I made them special because it's his favorite color...lol  He accepted that but then asked if I put broccoli in them.  Really?!  I said yes, of course, everybody puts all kinds of things in pancakes.  LOL  At first he was all "Ew!" but after tasting them he accepted that they didn't taste any different, so he was fine with it.  Ever since then, he actually enjoys helping me be a sneaky chef!  He helped me put carrot puree (yes the dreaded carrots that he hates!) in meatloaf and ate it without any problems.  I tell ya, once becoming a mom, my creative-thinking-on-my-feet part of my brain is really getting a workout!

So, don't fear the veggies.  Get them involved and be "sneaky chefs" together.  Try to pull one over on other members of the household.  Make it a game, see if people can guess the hidden veggies.

Tricks of Time Out

With our first placement (who we still have), there were a lot of issues with behaviors (and still are on occasion) and we apparently became experts on the art of Time Out.

So here are a few tips that we've learned....


1.  Stay calm.  Easier said than done when you have an insane, emotional, aggressive, psychotic little hurricane of a child going crazy.  Stay neutral, no matter how difficult.  Show no emotion.

2.  BEFORE a possibility of time out (when reviewing rules is a good time) explain what happens when rules are broken.
     For example-When you break this rule, you go into time out.  Because you are 5 years old, time out will be for 5 minutes.  Time out will start when you are sitting in time out and behaving properly.  Explain that it's ok to be angry/sad/etc, but you still need to behave appropriately.  Crying is ok, but name calling, screaming, kicking, etc is not ok and time out will not start until that behavior stops.  We will come to you when time out is over and talk about why you were in time out, then we want apologies.  (Hugs are good afterwards as well but tread lightly depending on the child's history and trauma.)

3.  Be clear and concise about expectations and what will happen when it looks like a time out is coming.
     For example-Hitting is not allowed.  If you hit again you will go into time out.

4.  If they continue with whatever the warning was about, don't get into a battle, simply state that they need to go to time out, then continue with what you were doing.

5.  You've told them what to do and why, now you wait for them to do it.  IGNORE any attempts to get your attention including aggression, screaming, crying, grabbing at you, etc.  If you need to intervene for their (or other's) safety, do so without making eye contact or giving any attention.  This could last for a long time, be prepared.
     For example-they start screaming any number of nasty things, including profanity, they get aggressive, kicking, biting, hair pulling, they try to destroy property, ripping paper, knocking over glass, banging on walls.  What do you do?  Keep them and others safe (blocking them from hitting, removing items that are dangerous, pulling your hair from their little vice like grip---and then putting it in a ponytail) and IGNORE THEM.  Do not get upset, do not show any emotion in your face.  Seriously, go play some poker and learn that poker face well.  You'll need it!  They will try everything to get your attention!  I have heard some whoppers.  Hysterical sobbing while saying "You're hurting my heart!" comes to mind.  Eventually (and sometimes it's 20+ minutes, or for those really stubborn ones even an hour or more) you will WIN!  They will realize this isn't getting them anywhere, they will go in time out.  Just in case sometime you think they might actually have forgotten what they're supposed to do, you can "remind them" without talking to them.  Talk to a spouse, other kid, even a pet "We'll pull out our snacks after Jimmy is done in time out in the chair."  Then it gives them the reminder without giving them the attention.  This probably would only be needed for the first time or two of time out when they're getting used to what it's all about.

Side note-For some kids or in some circumstances depending on the age/size of the child, you can try placing them in time out over and over and over again until they stay.....more likely needed for toddlers or young children, but be careful, especially with foster kids.  Putting your hands on them, even in this type of situation and not in an aggressive way can be a sticky situation to be in, so avoid if possible.  However, if you choose to try this, again, do NOT make eye contact, do not talk, do not respond in any way.  And be consistent.  You will get tired, you will get frustrated, but if you stop or give up it will be that much harder next time!  I promise!

6.  Time out is over now (which started AFTER they were sitting in time out in a calm manner, or whatever you feel is acceptable.)  Come down to their level.  Stay neutral still.  Try to stay matter of fact without being confrontational.  Tell them what they did to go into time out, explain why it's not ok to do whatever it was.  Tell them you want an apology (or need to apologize to anyone else who was affected.)
     For example-Time out is over.  You were in time out because you pushed Billy.  It's not ok to push or be aggressive in any way because someone might get hurt.  I would like you to apologize to Billy and offer him a hug.

7.  Move on!  Don't hold a grudge (although that is hard sometimes!)  Did apologies and hugs, now let's go play.

Them's the basics, but here are some other suggestions...........

8.  The person who initiates it should complete it when possible, but spouse/other adults must support the decision!  If dad tells the kid time out and mom's the softy, the kid knows it, goes to mom crying, mom says, "ok no time out but don't do it again", this is not ok!  Support each others decisions, even if you don't agree.  After it's over and the child isn't in earshot, THEN discuss what you don't agree on so you are on the same page.  Don't make it look like one doesn't agree with the other, that will put the kid in the position of realizing he can play one parent against the other, never a good thing!   If he calls my husband a bad name, husband says time out, my husband is the one who goes to him after time out for apologies and to discuss.  If husband has to leave or needs his own emotional time out, I can/will step in to complete if necessary.  Things happen that aren't in your control, but try to be consistent with it as much as possible.

9.  We also will discuss good decisions and bad decisions that he made throughout the time out process.
Don't harp on the bad decisions a lot, just review what he did, what he should do better next time.  Let him know it's ok to make mistakes, but that's why there are punishments/consequences/time outs.  They're to help us learn so we try not to make mistakes again.  However, make a HUGE deal about the good decisions he made.
  For example-What good and bad decisions did you make?  "I made a bad decision because I called names and didn't go into time out right away.  I made good decisions by not being aggressive."  So my response would be "Right, name calling isn't nice so I know you'll try to remember not to do that.  And next time you'll try to go to time out right away so it can be over faster, right?  But I'm SO GLAD you made such a great decision by not being aggressive!  That makes me so proud of you!  You controlled yourself and didn't hit or kick even though you were very angry!  You did a great job and it makes me so happy!  I knew you could do it!"   I mean, I lay it on thick!  lol  But push push push the positive reinforcement!

If they need help finding good and bad decisions, help them, but ALWAYS find a good decision that they made!  Even if after 20 minutes they FINALLY went into time out and completed it, that's a good decision!  lol

10.  Be prepared to follow through no matter where you are.  Be prepared to be late to things.  Especially early on when they're learning about this time out thing.  We also make it clear that time out will still happen if a case worker is here, if we're at a party, if we're at the store.  Consistency!  If you say you'll do it, do it!

Yes we have walked out of the grocery store and left a cart full in the aisle with him kicking and screaming the whole way out.  Hey, it happens and guess what.  I look at those parents as GOOD parents.  I give kudos to the ones who walk out with a screaming child.  It drives me crazy when I see a kid whining for a cookie so the parent opens a package of cookies to shut them up.  Um, no.  I'm not saying I haven't opened up a box of granola bars during a long grocery trip because we're running behind and everyone's hungry (which of course I pay for!  I don't leave an opened box/bag on the shelf when we're done.  I can't even say how super wrong that is.)  But the whining and tantruming is NOT how the child gets what he wants.

11.  Most important, keep your sense of humor in your own head.  Keep your blood pressure down by remembering YOU are in charge.  They want to be in charge, but they are not.  YOU ARE.  If they want to have a tantrum, let them.  They can get angry and kick and scream and get all worked up all they want, but YOU have the ability to keep yourself calm.  You don't have to get all worked up with them.  To keep myself occupied doing something and not paying attention to them, sometimes I'll pull out a piece of paper and just start writing.  He doesn't know what I'm doing, he just knows I'm not paying attention to him.  I've written "oh, here we go.  Another time out.  I wonder how long this will last"  (then as I was getting scratched by teeny tiny fingernails) "Reminder to self, trim his nails."  This little funny moment in my head helped me to keep my cool and remember this will end.   And get stubborn.  Think to yourself, no I will not let this little devil child beat me!  I am older and smarter and he will not win!  I will remain calm because I'm not the one screaming.  I'm not the one who has to sit in time out and be bored.  Eh...sucks to be him.  It's silly and of course I would not say these things out loud..lol..but it helps me keep my cool.

12.  Natural consequences are marvelous things!  If he throws his toy and it breaks, that's a natural consequence to his behavior.  "I'm not fixing it, I didn't break it.  That's a good lesson to learn, not to throw your toys."  One time, he was ripping down magnets and the papers on the refrigerator.  I knew nothing there was irreplaceable, but there was a wedding invitation to an uncle's wedding.  I didn't want it to get ripped but I knew I could get another if I wanted.  However, he ripped it down and shredded it into lots of little pieces.  I didn't react at all. (He didn't know what it was at the time.)  During the event, I even texted "uncle" and told him, he'd be getting a phone call apologizing soon and explained.  After time out, I told him to clean up what he threw down, ripped, etc.  I explained what the invitation was and then told him he had to call "uncle" and apologize for ripping it.  He got very upset.  He was embarrassed and ashamed, but it was important that he apologize for what he did.  He did, all was well, but I think that was a very important lesson to learn.  Another incident, he knocked down a bunch of picture frames.  One of them broke, so I told him he had to use his allowance to buy me a new frame because he broke the other one.  (Dollar store, no biggie.)  **I believe in some counties/agencies, this is not allowed, which I think is ridiculous, so make sure before you do this.  It was allowed for us.


So, this is pretty long, but I hope some find it useful.  And when suddenly time out isn't working right, go back and review.  What are you doing or not doing that you should be?

Good luck and stay calm.  Remember, YOU are not the one who is worked up and going into time out, so try not to let your blood pressure go up!  <3

The truth behind parenthood

I have struggled with infertility for 13 years.  Been through all kinds of medications, shots, ultrasounds, even major surgeries with no success of getting pregnant.

Fostercare was always something we considered and earlier this year we decided to finally move forward with it.  We went through the clearances, classes, evaluations, etc and we were approved and had our first placement on July 1st.  My husband and I thought "Finally!  We have our little family!  Just what we always wanted!"  And I personally thought "Yay!  I'll be this wonderful mom I always wanted to be!  I have no doubt we'll bond with any child and can handle anything thrown to us.  I'll always make time to play with him and give him one on one time, I'll plan special fun things like picnics in the living room on rainy days, make chocolate chip pancakes, go strawberry picking, do arts and crafts, go to the playground and the pool" etc etc etc.

See, I wanted to be a mom (or better a stay-at-home mom) for as long as I can remember.  I'm a "natural" caregiver to friends, family and even as my career.  I wanted all of those things I see everyone else have, school things, sports things, clubs, scouts, Christmas mornings....  I had it so built up in my head of how wonderful motherhood will be, how things will go so smoothly.  And then July 3rd happened.

Like I said, we got our placement on July 1st.  After 3 days I realized this was NOT what I signed up for and was NOT what I expected or built myself up for over the last 36 years.  (Due to legalities and privacy, I can't discuss details.)

What I discovered over the last two months is that parenthood is not peaches and cream all of the time.  From the many parents I've spoken to recently, it's not even peaches and cream 75% of the time.  More like 5-10%.  What is put out there from everyone (in public, on social media, etc) is the small wonderful percent.  What ISN'T put out there is the majority of the time, horrible, stressful, exhausting, boring or chaotic 90-95%.  I had a very sad, depressing and stressful 6 weeks or so and to be honest, I felt like a complete failure. I felt resentful, not specifically toward this little person in my home, but of the whole situation.  (I tried very hard not to take it out on him.)  Everything I had known about myself for 36 years feels like it's been all wrong and I'm not the person I thought I was.  If this huge part of me is completely wrong and apparently not the caregiver, maternal person I thought, then who the hell am I?

Expectations versus Reality.  Obviously, what I expected was not at all the reality.  Luckily, I've had an amazing support system of family, friends and even the foster agency we work with.  Everyone (specifically mothers) have helped me to know that generally most people have this Expectations versus Reality syndrome happen whether biological, adoption or foster.  It's normal and natural and most days are just about survival.  Making sure the child is fed something for breakfast, even if a piece of toast or leftover macaroni and cheese, is survival and those rare moments of actually having the time and making the effort to make chocolate chip pancakes is a rare occurrence.  People are not going to post a picture of toast, but they'll post a picture of chocolate chip pancakes.

As for bonding, I bond with everyone.  I bond with kids in line at the supermarket even.  Why would I have any problem bonding with a child in my home?  Well, because I get to see the naughty, resentful, challenging, lying, snotty, poopy, whiny, crabby, and sometimes downright EVIL side of this little person for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I'm a great aunt!  I love my nieces to pieces and they're the most perfect little people in the world!  BUT I don't have to deal with the bad stuff.  I get the fun stuff and then send them home!  Seems like common sense, right?  I thought so too, but still, my brain apparently didn't believe it.  So 6 or 7 weeks after having this little person in my home, I'm FINALLY only STARTING to feel a bond toward him....and that's only sometimes!  lol

My point to this whole post is just to put the real, honest, down and dirty truth out there, especially to so many PCOSers who so desperately want a family and little feet running around (and they do run...pretty much from the moment they wake up until they finally shut their mouths and fall asleep.)  It's exhausting and frustrating and, most of the time, not so fun.  I am hoping that I come to a place with this that I say "it's still all worth it", but I'm not sure that I will anymore.  I might, there's time.  I'm not going to shut this whole thing down without giving it a really really good effort, but I'm starting to accept that perhaps motherhood is not meant for me, despite what I've always thought and what everyone in my life says and thinks.  I need to be honest with myself and my feelings are not wrong, even if they are much different than I thought they'd be.

Expectations versus Reality

Today is 2 weeks into our first placement.  There are a LOT of things I have learned already.  Expectations versus reality.

I expected to fall madly in love with this child right away.   While I did care for this child, I didn't have that unconditional love, I still don't.  I do care for him and feel like I can say I love him now, but it just hasn't been as quick or as strong as I thought.

I expected to be able to handle any bad behaviors or problems with little difficulty.   I thought we'd be able to handle anything we got thrown that we had check-marked on our ok list.  (The agency had us choose "will accept", "might accept", or "will not accept" for all kinds of different issues, like aggression, suicidal thoughts/behaviors, sexual abuse, different medical issues, etc.)  We both have a lot of experience with children of all ages and some experience with intellectual disabilities and bad behavior problems like aggression.  I didn't expect to struggle so much with what the right way is of handling certain behaviors and circumstances.  I realized I'm not all that and a bag of chips.  I don't know it all, I need help and it's ok to say I don't know it all and I need help.  It's been a very humbling experience.

I expected to have lots of bonding moments and fun times, baking together, crafts, summertime festivals, etc.  I guess I was thinking about the relationship we have with our nieces.  We have those fun times together, but what I wasn't really considering is that I don't see the tantrums, boredom, exhaustion, etc that mom and dad deal with.  We play with them and send them home.  This little one is here 24/7 through good times and bad.  The first week we were mostly focused on survival.  The second week has gotten much better and we're actually able to try some of those fun bonding times.

Another delay, but will use this time to accomplish my to-do lists.

Due to office changes or some such baloney, they're holding off approvals until the NEXT committee meeting.  If you read a previous blog, you'll see we already have been put in front of the committee last month, but I guess since clearances and classes continued into this month, we have to be reviewed AGAIN.  This is so stressful.  So I have to busy myself for 2 more weeks with stress and worry that for some reason they won't like us or something in our past, our home, our jobs, our schedule, our relationship, our dog, our religion, our lifestyle, ANYTHING could just make them deny us.

Inside it's very painful for me and I'm so super emotional right now.  I want to yell from the rooftops to friends and family that we're going to have a family, but I'm afraid of telling anyone that doesn't already know.  Part of it is superstition....silly, I know, but what if we are denied, then we have to be embarrassed by telling all those people-nevermind, we're not good enough and we weren't approved.

So, I need to keep myself busy for the next two weeks (well, one and a half weeks now.  We were told this a few days ago, but I was too sad to blog about it, but I decided to blog anyway because I wanted accurate and honest records of this process.)  So here are my lists of to-do's to help keep me busy, get things accomplished and keep me from losing my sanity.

PRIORITY 1 List

-Back porch (mostly all for hubby to deal with, not much I can do.)  *DONE
-Clean out spare bedroom closet  *DONE
-Deep clean spare bedroom  *DONE
-Remove ceiling fan and replace with ceiling light (in case we have bunkbeds) *DONE
-Bunkbed planning (we're considering building our own so we can customize it)
        This includes discussing details of what we want,
        measure, price wood, price mattresses and price
        actual bunkbeds in case it'll be cheaper/easier to
        just buy one.
-Organize binder with forms we'll need, there are several websites that give good tips for this, I listed them in my blog here.  *DONE

PRIORITY 2 List

-Fix kitchen chair (the legs are loose, they need to be re-glued.  *DONE
-Get rid of broken garbage disposal and replace pipe *DONE
-Replace kitchen ceiling light (was a ceiling fan with light, but the fan doesn't work right) *purchased light, didn't replace yet.
-Clean and clean out both vehicles
-Tear down old shed (we have a new shed out back, but there's an old one that basically needs to be just torn down, nothing important is inside and the roof is falling apart on it.  My "plan" is to tear it down and have a nice patio sitting area in that space.  According to dh, he said it's a "weekend  job", he'll get a few friends and they can do it quickly.  The jury's out on whether I believe it's that quick of a job, but this job will wait until everything on priority 1 list is done at least.
-Make freezer meals to have quick meals on hand *Ongoing
-Defrost chest freezer.  I'm not sure how/when we can do this.  The freezer's pretty full and I don't know where we'd go with the stuff in it.  This might get demoted to a lower priority list just because it'll be a while until it's empty enough to do.

PRIORITY 3 List

-Scrapbook (I'm over a year behind!  ugh!)
-Organize the upstairs offices *Ongoing  I have accepted we'll NEVER have the upstairs offices clean/organized enough for me...lol  My office, maybe, but my husband's will never meet my expectations.

So I have lots to keep me busy I guess, but it doesn't seem to be taking away any worry........

Room layout

We're close enough to the end of the process that I feel comfortable doing a little bit of "prep" work, like actually getting the bedroom ready.  That means removing all of our crap...my scrapbooking stuff, treadmill, books, vacuum cleaner, etc.  Now to find a new home for all of that stuff...hmmm....

So, I'm looking around the room trying to figure out how to place the furniture that will give the kid room to play, while keeping at least one window accessible (per state requirement.)  It's a small room with 2 windows and the 2 pieces of furniture we have are a large dresser and a cabinet of sorts with a door and  mirror.  They are both extremely heavy!  So I don't want to move them around more than necessary!  lol  I found this gem of a website! (Click Here) You enter in measurements and you can move things around to get an idea of what fits where and how it'll look.  I love it!  Here are a few options we came up with.   I think we're leaning towards the last picture.  We can always change it around if the kid wants something different too, but we need some game plan to start.

Hopefully we'll be hearing from our agency today or tomorrow with the A-OK!  I'm trying to keep myself busy and not to stress.....I'm trying.....  

Foster Care Home Study Day!

You'd think I'd be nervous, right?  I wasn't, not really.  I actually thought it would be last week but I was mistaken, so I was prepared and nervous last week.  I worked 40 hours over the weekend, so when the appointment was for 9:30 am this morning (Monday) I was too exhausted to be nervous..lol

It was pretty simple and she had already given us a list of what she'd check (water temp 125 or below, outlet covers, medications and cleaners locked up, corded phone accessible with emergency contact list, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, emergency evacuation plan posted) so I felt confident (kinda) that we'd be ok.  And we were...almost...

The back porch is my husband's "workshop".  Actually it's just a mess of tools and "guy stuff" and I avoid going back there.  lol  However, I didn't realize she'd need to go back there (we did a walk through before and she didn't ask to see the back yard) so I was surprised and nervous when she asked to see it today.  Uh oh.....

Now, we have a pretty big yard, I mean not huge, but plenty of space for running and playing, sandbox, swingset, etc.  I figured with the ages we're looking at (0-10) they wouldn't be outside by themselves anyway, so I wasn't overly worried about his tools and randomness too much because they wouldn't be alone outside and there was plenty of space for them to play.  Don't get me wrong, getting it more organized and safe is definitely on the to-do list, but since it wasn't on the home study list and we didn't go over that in the initial walk through, I didn't make it a top priority for right now.

Well, she said it *shouldn't* stop the process, but getting the back porch "child friendly" needs to be a big priority right now.  That's fine and we'll get that situated this week (weather and husband pending...grrrr...) but it just makes me nervous and tense now.  I feel like I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to complicate our getting approved and now I'm worried.  Worry worry worry...it's all I do.

Ok, so hoping that she's right and it won't stop the process, the next step is for her manager to sign off on our file, which she said the manager will be in the office Wednesday or Thursday, at that point, if all goes well, we can make an appointment to sign contracts and be official and waiting for placement.  Oh I can't can't can't wait!  I'm on pins and needles now waiting for Wednesday or Thursday.  I made sure to tell her that I'll be staring at the phone over that time so she needs to update me asap!  lol  By now, she gets that about me I think, so she said she'd let me know as soon as she could.

Not actually our house, but you get the idea...lol  Really, who needs this many tools?!  Apparently my hubby.

Warning: Insane woman ahead

I may be losing my mind.  I feel like I have so much internal energy going on that I'm going to make random things spontaneously combust. I'm restless, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I can't turn my brain off, I'm eating constantly, I...am....losing...my....mind!!!!!

Yesterday was the committee meeting day where my agency meets and discusses potential foster parents and approves or doesn't approve them.  We weren't involved in the meeting, we just had to hope our case worker that we've dealt with, had classes and interviews with, likes us enough to really vouch for us.  I don't know what time the meeting was yesterday, but all day I had this restless energy waiting, waiting, waiting for a call and never got one.  I know those meetings are farther away and encompass several agency offices, so I was possibly expecting her to not have time to call yesterday, but TODAY, however!  I fully expect a call any second, but even that I don't know for sure.  I never officially confirmed with her that she'd call to report the results of the meeting to us, but I just assumed she would.  I mean, why wouldn't she, right?

A minute ago the phone rang with a number I didn't recognize, I grabbed the phone, ran to the other room to hubby with my eyes open really wide and flailing my arms like a mad woman, quickly answered it and put it on speakerphone fully expecting it to be the social worker aaaaaaand....no.  Doctor's office confirming an appointment.  (I have the CW's office number saved, but I don't have her cell phone number saved, so I thought she might be calling from that.)

So my heart is trying to return to normal, though it hasn't been "normal" for over 24 hours now.  Please, please, PLEASE call sooooon!  I can't stand this!


**Update, she did call around noon but not about the meeting.  She called to change the time of our next class because of a conflict came up.  After we rescheduled the time I said "So, did everything work out ok yesterday?"  She said "oh, yeah, everything's fine."  Inside my head I'm going "AAAAAND????"  LOL  Basically, they're still waiting for one clearance to come back and everything should be ok and approved but I guess they can't use the word "approved" until everything is finalized.  How frustrating!  So, everything is looking good and moving forward and I just have to keep being patient..........

All the good stuff in one spot

For months I've been scouring blogs and pinterest to find tips, hear stories, anything to help me plan for this journey.  It's also helped me kill time when I feel the need to DO something while I wait for the next appointment or class.  So, I have a whole bunch of websites I bookmarked on my computer and have them somewhat organized.  I figured I'd share what I found with you all (all 2 people who read my blog..lol)


-Homestudy-
http://whenthestorkgetsconfused.blogspot.com/2015/01/homestudy-part-1.html

-Info for extended family-
http://www.fostercareqanda.com/blog/how-do-you-explain-foster-care-to-your-friends-and-family
http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2012/01/family-affair-fostering-extended-family.html

-Paperwork-
http://youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com/2013/11/foster-care-binder.html?m=1
http://cherubmamma.blogspot.com/2012/02/organization.html
http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/ss/foster_care_record_keeping.htm

-Questions to ask when you get "The Call"-
http://helponechild.org/resources/foster-parent-questions
http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/tp/fosterquestions.htm


-Making them feel welcome-
     -Welcome Boxes-
https://www.portlandoregon.gov/parks/article/511591
http://www.alittlebiteoflife.net/champions-for-kids-energizer-light-up-a-life-part-2-energizercfk-cbias/
http://www.frugallivingnw.com/giving-opportunity-welcome-boxes-for-kids-entering-foster-care/
     -Welcome Book-
http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/pdfs/domestic/Welcome%20Book_Fostering%20Families.pdf
     -General welcoming tips-
http://www.fostercareqanda.com/blog/how-do-you-welcome-a-new-child-to-your-home

-The First Night-
http://youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-to-do-first-night.html
http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-first-night.html
http://fosterdreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/31-days-welcoming-foster-child.html

-Other foster tips/info-
A-Z tips -- http://foster2forever.com/2014/01/become-foster-parent.html
New kid timeline -- http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-kids-timeline.html
When a child leaves -- http://unitedforadoption.blogspot.com/2013/03/when-foster-child-leaves.html

This person's blog has been a gem to find.  It's from a former foster kid and she tells it like it is and I love hearing about experiences from the foster kid point of view.
https://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/tips-for-those-involved-with-the-foster-care-system/

And in case I didn't list enough websites for you to visit, here's a whole list of foster care blogs!  I haven't even made a dent in these!  lol
http://foster2forever.com/foster-care-blog-hop

My foster care binder makeover

My binder for the licensing process so far is boring.  It's gray.  It was one I happened to have so I just started using it, but it seems so drab, especially when we're talking about dealing with kids.  It needs some life!  Soooo...I decide to be brave and try decoupage for the first time.   Here we go!

BORING!!!

First, I needed to find WHAT I wanted to decorate it with.  I had a very worn (and scribbled on) kids' book that had cute pictures, so I decided to use that, but then I needed a background color.  Luckily, my mother-in-law got me addicted to scrapbooking, so I have every scrapbook paper/color known to man.  I found 2 of the same yellow sheet that matched nicely with my cute pictures, but I also needed an accent color for the spine because the yellow sheets weren't big enough, so I grabbed a red.

I also had Mod Podge from a while ago that I bought but never actually was brave enough to try, so I had that already on hand.  Also needed sponges to spread the Mod Podge, scissors to cut out my cute pictures, paper trimmer to measure and cut the correct size and wax paper to try to keep from making a huge mess on the table...lol

My supplies.   

I emptied my binder (which might be a pain to put all the stuff back in then but I didn't want to risk getting the papers messy.)  I did the spine first.  According to what I've read on how to do this, I spread the Mod Podge on the binder AND on the back of the paper.  Placed the paper where I wanted it, creased the corners and then spread more all over it again, especially the edges.  I used a baking scraper (seen in a picture farther down) to help get rid of air bubbles and make it smooth. I was a big old mess after this initial attempt.  It looks all nice and neat in the photo, but it took me a while to get it just right, get it creased without shifting (and the paper was somewhat stiff as well, so that didn't help.  Though in another how-to blog I read, they suggested dampening the paper if it's thick or stiff to help it be more pliable, but I didn't do that.)  So, got the red on finally and somewhat happy with the results, then I was stuck with how on earth I sit this to dry?  lol  If I laid it open the creases got funky and I wanted them to dry in a nice position, so I balanced it carefully (after it falling on the floor once and the glue picking up dust and dog hair, yay) on the back of the chair to dry (or mostly dry.)

I used this drying time to start cutting out my cute little pictures.  Once the red was mostly dry, I attached the front side of the yellow.  Again, made a huge mess, but got it on there.  Put Mod Podge all over the binder, then all over the back of the yellow sheet, then after placing it, attached more all over the whole front and especially around the edges and corners to make sure they stayed sealed down.  I've seen people fold the paper over to the inside, but the inside had a pocket and I didn't want to mess with that, so I just cut it right to the edge and hoped it'd stay down.  Then I let that dry again.

The front getting ready for the cute pictures.  Notice my baking scraper thing, it worked fantastic to help get rid of air bubbles and scraping off excess.

Once that was mostly dry it was time for the fun part!  Adding all my cute little pictures.  I did lay them out on the other yellow sheet, kind of as a guide so I knew where I wanted them.  There was a lot of picking up and laying back down, but I got them on.  Again, I Mod Podged the base (the yellow sheet) AND the back of the picture AND over top of all of it once it was all down.  Once that all dried, I did another coat AGAIN, just to seal it well and make sure (and the edges again just to make sure.)

 After that was really dry, I turned it over and just placed a yellow piece on the back, no special pictures or anything.

The final result.  I had a hard time getting a good angle shot showing the spine as well, but you get the picture.

I let it all dry well overnight and this morning I put all my papers back in.  It looks to be holding up really well, no issues with anything peeling up at all.  I'm pretty pleased with it, especially as my first attempt at Mod Podge.  Next I'm going to decorate up an empty oatmeal container and use it for my headbands.  ;)  lol

Epiphany

I often will talk to myself...yes, I admit it.  Usually when I'm in the car by  myself.  It kind of ends up being a deep thoughts kind of time for me.  I've been doing it a lot lately with all the foster care stuff going on. 

You may need a little back story to fully appreciate my epiphany, see my Religion versus Spiritualism blog post. 

There are three specific moments that tie into my epiphany. 

1.  We were at a holistic center of some sort years ago, I don't remember exactly what was happening, it may have been a class or maybe a short ritual to welcome the new year or something like that. The specific point relevant to this story is that one woman sitting in front of us, whom I didn't even know, turned around at some point and said to me that I was a healer.  It was a little surprising, I didn't really know why I would be considered a healer.  I don't have a gift with reiki (my husband does though), I don't work in the healthcare field, I didn't really know how "healing energy" connected with me.  (You have to understand, a lot of our beliefs revolve around intuition, reading auras, gut feelings, that kind of thing, so the fact that a random person made a comment about what she "felt" around me wasn't surprising.)  I didn't think much of it after that.

2.  I was at a holistic or spiritual festival, again, years ago, and was just wandering around.  There was a workshop at the side of the huge conference room with a woman talking about auras.  I missed most of it, but happened to be standing behind everyone sitting there when she offered to read some auras.  She started talking to the woman sitting in front of me and after a moment had to stop.  She looked at me and said, sorry, but could I move over?  My aura was distracting her.  LOL  Such an odd thing to hear.  Not something you hear every day.  I moved to the side, about 25 feet away and she kept going.  After another moment she stopped again and apologized to me again but said my energy is so high and my aura is so strong, she's still distracted by it.  I apologized and moved to behind HER so she couldn't see me even out of her peripheral anymore..lol  I do think this ties into my story...bear with me!

3.  We do belong to a small Native American type group (known as a tribe) locally.  Without going into a lot of details and explaining, which would take a while, you just need to know that when someone is asked to join and welcomed in, they get a tribal name, a gift and given a "job" (teacher, warrior, healer, etc), well, I was given "Healer".  Again, this healer thing comes up.  I still don't understand why *I* am a healer, but I'll go with it.  There are a lot of things in this world and in my life I don't understand and just assume that there's a Higher Power that knows best.  

Other things you should know about me to relate to this epiphany:
I have experienced having high "energy" fields before (I mean besides the distracting aura moment..lol) Growing up, my mom often would ask me to rub her head and said I had "healing fingers" (there's that "healing" again), I've had more than one person tell me that my energy is so strong that they feel my emotions, for example, I was annoyed with a lot of crap at work, having a rough and annoying day, was talking to my mom on the phone and she physically started shaking because my emotions and energy was so strong that day.  (I think my mom is very sensitive and empathic, so that could have some to do with her reactions to me as well.)  And, lastly, I break electronics.  No, seriously...I break them.  I don't know how, I don't do it on purpose, it just happens.  I honest-to-goodness think there's some sort of actual energy field in me that screws things up.  I've broken countless computers, cell phones often go screwy with me, I've even broken an EKG machine.  I don't DO anything to them, they just go wonky.

So, in the car, I'm just kind of chatting, daydreaming, thinking about fostercare, etc and out of no where, seriously like a light bulb went off, I feel like I have answers.

I am a healer, I've been told this many times, just don't know what or how I'm healing.  

What if I'm meant to be a "healer" for these foster kids?  What if I'm storing up all of this energy because I don't have any foster kids right now to "heal" so I'm kind of getting overcharged with healing energy with no where to release it yet?!  It sounds so simple to say.  Maybe no one else will really understand the sudden realization that I had and how strongly it felt "right".  I don't care.  (lol...that sounded rude, sorry.)  I just mean, it means something to ME and I feel how "right" it is, so that's most important.  It's ok if no one else gets it, it wasn't meant for them, it was meant for me and I get it.

I seriously cannot wait to finally get approved and get some kiddos in here!  Our CW said, you either love it or you hate it and you'll never know until you experience it.  Maybe I'll be shocked and absolutely hate it (I can't even imagine...and I think I'll be heartbroken since this may be our only option to have children in our lives.)  But I have to continue to think that we'll get approved (still have that stupid lingering doubt of what if!!!)  and we'll get a kiddo (or two) and we'll love them and love the fostercare process and will continue to help these children heal.  It may or may not work out that way, but until I know otherwise, that's what I'm hoping for....and I can't wait!

It sounds like I expect it to be all peaches and cream...lol....I don't.  I definitely don't.  But I do expect it to be extremely rewarding and make those non-peaches-and-cream moments worth it.

Religion versus Spiritualism

Another blog post about an epiphany that I had will touch on our religious beliefs, so I'll sum that up here first, then feel free to read my "Epiphany" blog.

I'm a very spiritual person.  Not very religious, but very spiritual.  Some people don't understand what the difference is.  For me, personally, religion is very structured and has specific rules and usually involves other people, sometimes a lot of other people (ie-church service), being spiritual means I have a personal (and private) connection with a Higher Power, God or whatever you want to call Him.  (I don't think He/She/It cares what you call Him, otherwise that means He has an Ego and He doesn't, right?  Sorry, don't want to get too deep here and don't want to cause any kind of religious debate, just voicing my opinion.)

Anyway, I prefer not to have a title when it comes to religion.  I don't go to church or practice any specific path or faith.  I just don't think it's necessary and I haven't found one that I completely 100% agree with.  I believe what I believe and I think "God" wants us to be good people and do the right thing.  I think it really can be as simple as that.  However, the closest "path" I've found would be a form of Native American or some sort of earth based religion.  I do my own, private, spiritual things, my own version of prayer, meditation, candles, incense, smudging, etc.  My husband feels similar, he's very private, but he mostly considers himself pagan.  (For a great website debunking the stereotype of paganism click here.  Pagans do not worship the devil or sacrifice babies, that's so ridiculous.)

So, how were we raised in regards to religion and what do our families think of our choices?  (We get asked this a lot.)  I was raised in a Christian home, most of my family still practice Christianity, but all of my family supports the choices I make regarding religion/spiritualism.  My husband was raised Catholic and also has respect and support from his family regarding his choices..  We're very lucky that we have families that are open minded and supportive regardless of race, religion, sexual preference, hair color, weird piercings or tattoos, pretty much whatever, as long as we're good people.

It's a shame, but our religious/spiritual beliefs partially caused us to delay in approaching foster care.  Bottom line, there's a lot of negative stereotype in regards to paganism (and several agencies locally are Christian based.)  Luckily, our case worker (and agency) are completely ok with it (as they should be) as long as we're willing to allow the children to practice whatever religion they are used to, comfortable with, prefer, etc.  Of course we are and actually look forward to maybe learning about other customs or practices.

I know I don't have a lot of followers yet (I think maybe one...lol), but regardless, I will welcome any questions or comments regarding our beliefs as long as they're respectful.  It's sad that I even have to say that, but from experience, I know I have to.

Mother's Day and conflicting emotions

DH and I have been "trying" for 13 years with no success.  Mother's Day has been pretty painful for me every year as a constant reminder of my desperate internal need to be a mother and my body's failure to successfully get pregnant.  I struggle every year with dealing with those emotions, but at the same time trying to enjoy and appreciate the time spent with my own mother, mother in law and grandmothers.

This year, like many others, I feel saddened because, yet again, I'm not pregnant and have no children, but I have the little bit of hope that things will change due to foster care and while I might not be the bio mom, I'll be another version of "mom" and while I hope to have the permanent "mom" position eventually, I'll cherish the temporary mom role while I have it.  But, again, I don't have it yet.  (And that stupid little niggling doubt in my head that we might not be approved is always there.)  This year I also have to deal with the recent loss of my grandmother, whom I was very close to and miss very much.

I do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day and I hope those who have pain around this holiday, for whatever reason, find peace in the day somehow.

Sometimes my timing is so gosh darn amazing...

Amazing timing can be a good thing or a bad thing.  In this case, it had the potential for very bad.

My lovely grandmother passed away last week. It was heart breaking as she was like a mother to me and we were terribly close.  It was expected and due to her seriously poor health at the end, it was a true blessing for her, but still sucks for me (and those she left behind.)

Her funeral was Monday.  I had another foster care class on Tuesday (which they absolutely would have rescheduled, but I knew Nanny wouldn't want it postponed.  Any reason to hurry the process so she could have another great-grandchild in the family, she'd encourage...lol)  I really was ok with having the class the next day, it did help me to get back to normal life.  I had been mourning the loss of "my Nanny" for years due to her health and like I said, it wasn't unexpected.  Anyway, the class was the next day and the topic.....grief and loss.  Are you kidding me?  Couldn't it be ANYTHING else today?  (And again, if I asked, she probably would have done something else, but I figured, maybe it's meant to be to have that class today.  "Everything happens for a reason" and blah blah blah, right?)

Well, it wasn't so much about death as it was about the loss the child feels about their bio parents, their toys, their routines, their lives as they knew them before, good or bad.  The stages, denial, anger, etc, and how they process them, how we help them cope, how the bios deal with it themselves and with their kids, etc.  Luckily, it didn't really trigger or relate to our recent loss.

I noticed when she left, I was back into foster-care-obsession-mode.  I realized that last week, after Nanny died (and I have to say, with my allergies going NUTS all week too) I was very distracted and had lost the obsession over it, but obviously just temporarily because it was totally back after she left...lol

So, I'm back to making my lists of to-do's, back to my constant daydreams of having a child there with every single thing I do, making dinner, running to the store, watching tv.  Going through scenarios of what I'd do with a child who was crying, who got in trouble, who asked questions, who met the family for the first time.....and on and on...  It's never-ending what my mind comes up with.  I think my brain is totally glad it had a break last week and wasn't uber-focused on it for a short time.  Well, sorry, brain.  Uber-focus is back.  I promise to try not to be neurotic about it, but I'm not holding out much hope.

Foster Care Classes

I looked for other blogs regarding what the classes or courses are like for foster care licensing and couldn't really find a list or any descriptions of what you actually learn in these things.  Today was our first "class" finally, so we got a list of what we'll be learning about and I'll post that below in case anyone else is interested.

So in a previous blog I mentioned that I had no idea if this person (I called her "Harriet" before, I'll just stick with that..lol), so I had no idea if Harriet was a case worker or social worker or something else.  I didn't know the difference between case or social worker, so I asked her.  She told me that she's actually called a "Family Resource Specialist" but did say that basically case worker, social worker, "Family Resource Specialist" are potentially all the same thing, so it didn't matter what I called her.  lol  So, at least for my agency, the names are somewhat interchangeable.  Probably not the case in all though.  She also gave me a list of definitions for a lot of fancy shmancy words that we'll hear throughout the course of training and during foster care, which will be nice to have handy.

I'm really excited because it finally seems like we're actually IN the process, not just starting it.  We met with Harriet 3 times so far, but each time just seemed like applications to fill out, q&a, clearance forms, etc.  I just didn't feel like we were making any movement FORWARD and, honestly, was making me feel insecure about the process.  I mean, if I don't feel like we're moving forward, is there a reason we're not?  Are we not going to be approved?  Is there something she doesn't like about us?  Intellectually, I know that I'm most likely being paranoid and neurotic about all of this, but could not stop my brain from thinking that way.  And my husband is the most patient man in the universe...lol

So, YAY! "Class" started today AND she told me that I should have an email this afternoon for us to get our fingerprints done.  If you read my last blog, she told me that she needed to review with her supervisor before clearances start, SO it sounds like that's all been done and clearances are ready to go!  So, I'm feeling much more secure.  Still on edge, but I think I will be until we have license in  hand.  Well, then I'll still probably be on edge, but about something new...like getting a placement...  I guess I'll be "on edge" the rest of my life.  Guess I (and hubby) better get used to it! ;)

So, here's the general list of training requirements we're going to be doing in class or on our own over the next few weeks.

Child Welfare System and History
Policies and Procedures
Cultural Diversity
First Aid
Breathing Difficulties
Resiliency
Child Development
Trauma
Grief and Loss
Abuse and Neglect
Suicide Prevention
Attachment
Visitation
Medication Administration
Mandated Reporting

* Less than 1/2 hour after posting this, I received the email for our fingerprinting, which they said they have already "taken care of the cost incurred" so now they have officially put out money for us and this process, which just makes me feel more secure in them wanting to approve us.  Just puts my mind at ease a little more.  I've never been more excited to get ink all over my fingers!  Woo hoo!  lol

Something is missing from my breakfast.

So, it's a lovely (albeit chilly) Saturday in April.  After sleeping in a little, dh and I start making breakfast together.  What's a better breakfast on a Saturday morning than french toast and sausage?  He's mixing up the "custard"  (I was corrected, it's not just egg once you add ingredients and mix...ok, ok, whatever..lol), so, he's mixing the custard (and making a mess, I might add) I'm getting the bread ready, heating the pan, getting the sausage out, etc, and I think, you know, I feel like something's missing.  Then I realize how much I desperately want kids there to do that with us.

I want a little toddler running in and grabbing our pant legs, or a 6 year old helping to crack eggs and making even more of a mess all over the counter.  I want that so desperately.  I've always wanted that and here and there I would think of those things, but because we're in the middle of this foster care process, I think about it all...of...the...time....  Every little thing I do, everywhere I go, I imagine having a kid or two with me, how it would be different (better and worse depending.  No 6 year old wants to run errands to go to the bank or grocery store, heck, I don't want to do that either.)  It's since starting this process that it's been made even more obvious to me that my life feels so empty without any little ones.  I feel like I'm getting so attached to these imaginary kids, it'll tear me apart if we're denied.  But how do I stop myself from imagining these things and preparing for it?

I believe I'm making myself and dh nuts during this process.  I question every little thing the agency worker says, does or doesn't say or doesn't do.  I don't question her directly, just in my own mind (and out loud to dh), why didn't she say anything about what we need to fix in the bedroom?  Why didn't she ask to see the back yard?  Is it because she already thinks they won't approve us so it doesn't matter?  Why did she suggest my office would be a good playroom?  Does she think we aren't giving the child enough space in the home?

I know I'm probably reading too much into these things, but it's how my mind works...welcome to the insanity that is my mind.  I'm the queen of "What-if".

Our classes start next week.  (The "classes" are really just her coming to us once a week or so and doing the training one-on-one.  I've heard others actually go to a classroom setting with other couples, but I think because the agency is small, they don't have enough couples to create actual classes.)  Anyway, next week is our first, I'm excited but constantly on edge that there will be some reason that she won't like us and there goes our chances.  It comes down to a decision by the board once all the paperwork, clearances, classes are done and really her thoughts hold a lot of weight in their decision, so if she just doesn't like us she could push their decision to deny us.  It's a very subjective thing.  It's not a simple, cut and dry test we take.  It really comes down to if they like us and think we'll be good parents.  No one likes to be rejected and this would be a serious rejection!  Normally, I don't care all that much about what other people think of me, but this is just so different.  She potentially holds our lives in her hands and that's super scary.

She also said she still hasn't sent in our clearances because she goes over our interviews with her supervisor first (which we just finished last week.)  I thought those were sent 2 weeks ago.  They pay for them (which is nice) but since I thought they were already sent, I thought they started "putting out money" on us therefore we were on the right track.  I mean, why would they waste the money if she didn't think we'd be approved.  Now knowing they haven't done that yet, makes me wonder if they just don't want to waste the money if they won't approve us.